You've seen her at the restaurant, enjoying her meal in solitude while reading a novel. You've seen him at the theater, settling in with his popcorn for the show. Who are these solitary people? Have they chosen to be alone in public, or do they have no other choice? Could they have invited a partner or friend, but simply enjoy their time alone?
"One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do."
I disagree. I've known loneliness in numbers larger than one, and that's worse; much, much worse. For me, being with others with whom you feel invisible or negligible is a fate fraught with sadness.
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I am amazed at the people who go out to dinner or to the movies alone; I have never done that in my life. Maybe it's time I did. I would think it could be exquisitely indulgent to get lost in the moment while treating oneself to a meal or to an evening of entertainment.
Social creatures like me crave company. I do better in small groups, but if there is a larger crowd, I will be more content once I've located my niche in the group.
My life is on a two week cycle with my 16-year-old. For two weeks at a time, my house feels like a home with a family. I have someone to cook for, to clean for, and to take care of. (Sorry about all of those prepositions hanging onto the ends of those sentences.) For the rest of the month, I live alone. My time is my own. I cook and clean when I feel like it.
Part of me has had to face my greatest fear, that of being alone. I'm learning that there are silver linings to be discovered in solitude, and I try to focus on those. I prefer knowing I am alone, and that I control how I spend my time over being lost in a crowd, and not feeling a connection to someone else. I'm glad that my solitude is intermittent, that I can divide my time between being social, and being a loner. The more time I spend to myself, the more I don't want to become so independent I no longer feel like I need people. Being a hermit has never been on my list of things I hope to be.
It will be an adventure to request a "table for one" when I finally decide to check that off my short list. The writer in me hopes to take good mental notes. I'll have to let you know how it goes.
Denise -
ReplyDeleteGreat post. I am one of those who have gone to a movie alone - once! Its kind of nice - but sad too, especially when you have always been with someone. But I am getting better at the solitude. My niece brakes it up on the weekends - the rest of the time is mine. Enjoy you table for one when you finally try it out - it isn't a bad thing for sure.
Amy, I am going to pursue solitary moments intentionally this next week. Thank you for your encouragement!
DeleteI love going to movies alone. As a mom of nine, I once spent an entire week going to one movie per day as an escape/sanity break. When I go alone, I find it best to go to a late morning or early afternoon show on a weekday. I don't feel so "conspicuously dateless" then. I do see a lot of senior citizens, however!
ReplyDeleteJulie, I did not realize you had nine children. I think my mom, who raised eight of us, cherished every moment of the school day when she had the house to herself! Thank you for your tip!
DeleteI take book and read while eating. I have a way of being in a bubble where it's just me and my book and my food. I'm friendly to the waitress and smiLe at the people around me and I enjoy the evening. I rarely have this opportunity but I welcome it when it comes. So enjoy being alone in public. You are in good company.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your encouragement. I am going to set some small goals this week...a meal out...a hike...I hope being with my dog counts. I finally get to spend two weeks with him while my ex is out of town!
DeleteI was never a fan of being alone, and yet I have spent a great deal of time the last four and half years alone while the hubby works. I have learned by doing it that it's really not a big deal to go out by yourself, once you've done it a few times. Now, I thoroughly enjoy a lunch date with myself, I can write to my hearts' content while I pick at my salad, or simply surf Facebook uninterrupted, without any recriminations! And honestly, people really don't pay that much attention to whether YOU are alone or not, they are usually too wrapped up in their own lives to notice!
ReplyDeleteDawn, I have always lived in fear of being along, and now that I am "living to tell about the experience," many of my fears are unfounded. My ex-husband and I waver between relishing our new-found freedom, to feeling overwhelmed by the loneliness at times. Things will settle out, and while they do, I intend to live it up a little, in a solitary way.
DeleteDenise, you make a great point. I've probably been alone more married (due to husband's travel/work schedule) than I would have expected, though long before that, my dad taught me to go places alone from time to time and modeled this behavior. Maybe it's a writer thing that he taught me like dining alone from time to time. It makes me feel brave and independent. Dawn makes a great point that others are usually so wrapped up in what they are doing to notice what you are doing.
ReplyDeleteThat said, there is a certain shame some people attach to being along, a shame we should resist I think in the interests of honoring the real lives of real people. I feel for you. It is strange to get used to it in the beginning.
If dining alone fosters feelings of bravery, it's high-time I try it! I do think I have felt "shame" in my singleness because I think I felt sorry for people in my situation in the past. They don't need my sympathy, they need my empathy, and honestly, I now look at them as role models, not people who need my condolences! Thanks, Tonia, for giving me food for thought.
DeleteAs a singleton of many years, I still don't think I'd be comfortable going to a fancy restaurant or theatre on a Saturday night by myself, but otherwise I generally don't think twice. Start with a coffee shop or local diner, take your laptop or notebook (it looks very intentional - ha) and even go at odd hours when fewer people are there if it's easier. You'll find that many go alone to these places to work and write. And you can eavesdrop for more material : )
ReplyDeleteDeb, I wish we had a coffee shop in this rural town. We do have small diners; perhaps I will start there. Kind of excited. I don't know if The Cowboy Corral is ready for my single, female presence, but it may be just the place to try! ;-)
DeleteIt's not as scary as you think, and I *know* you can do it and feel great doing it! I've eaten countless number of meals at restaurants by myself, and having a good book with you certainly makes it easier to do. However you decide to do it, I know you'll embrace the challenge and have a funny story to tell about it on the other side. :)
ReplyDeleteOkay, Iris, I will tuck my book DARING GREATLY under my arm, and push my way past my fears. I will try this. And oh, I hope it's a funny story, and not a sad one, I'll have to tell!
DeleteGood for you conquering your fears!!
ReplyDeleteCarol, I still feel like I'm swimming in them. I'm getting better, though...
DeleteDays when I don't work and my husband is gone is my alone time. I'm free to do whatever I want - go to the show, eat alone, sit on the beach. Usually, it's just to stay at home to read and write. But, there may be a time in the future when I'm really alone. I'm sure my perspective will change some.
ReplyDeleteYes, I spent a lot of time alone in my marriages, but it's different now. There's no sleeping man in the next room, no man to come home from work. The possibilities are more limited, but in reality, there is a freedom in knowing that I can do what I want with my time. I have no one to blame but myself with how my days play out now. Oh, Shelley, I would LOVE to sit on the beach, but for now, I will just have to enjoy walking through the canyons and deserts here.
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