Worth the Wait

You wait, and you wonder, and you think you can't possibly survive. With the ragged breaths you've been taking, you're not even  sure how you are going to successfully get that next breath, but, somehow, you do. You take that one, and then another, until the panic subsides. Sunsets go, and sunrises come, and every day you wake up, praying for the strength to keep the tears at bay, or if you can't, that they will only hit you when you're alone.

That's how this last winter was for me. It was so hard to release my expectations. I knew the secret wishes of my heart, and I had to let them go. By letting go of MY plan, I made room for more blessings than I dreamed possible. Having no attachment to a particular outcome freed my mind to be open to so many more possibilities.

You see, I would welcome the chance to be a wife, even though marriage is fraught with challenges. Being single, and resisting my solitude isn't healthy. I love being retired, but my financial situation was uncertain regarding medical coverage for my son and me. Marysvale was my favorite place in the world last winter; I never wanted to leave, but that was not my home. Marley was a source of comfort, and I didn't want to let go of my sweet little dog. 

I realized pretty quickly that in order to be happy, many things were going to have to change. I could no longer go through the motions, and assume the routines that had been established were going to get me where I needed to be. 

So much change at once was challenging. I moved away from Marysvale. I gave up my visitations with my little Boston terrier. I started over in the small town of Joseph.

I had to release my expectations. I just let them go, trusting that things would work out, just like Jackie said they would. I found comfort in her words, "Everything is going to be all right." Whenever I felt overwhelmed, I would practice my DEEP BREATHING, and whisper her words to myself until I felt at peace.

Yesterday was a turning point for me. Did my luck change? I'm not sure luck was involved. My patience paid off, and my dreams are coming true.

At this very moment, my cozy, little house is filled with more than half of my children. We will be joined by my married kids, Dylan and Jamie, and then the house will REALLY be filled. My only grandchild, Hans, is a Great Dane, and we are loving having him in the house. Nothing makes me happier than being surrounded by my children. But there's more...

I dared greatly by interviewing for a job at my old school. There were two openings, and I was hoping to fill one of the positions. I received the phone call I'd been waiting for: I got the job. Having Sierra arrive was just one more highlight of the day. 

This fall, I will return to Monroe Elementary School, as a second grade teacher this time. Am I excited? Yes. Yes, I am. I will spend my weekdays teaching, and my weekends hiking with my kids in the canyons of Utah. There is another date on the horizon. I feel energized, and blessed, and grateful. 

Jackie, you were right. Everything IS going to be all right. It already is. It was hard to believe I would be in this good place in my life after the darkness of the past winter, but spring is here, and life is GOOD. Where I am right now was worth the wait.

P.S.
As I am re-reading this post in 2016, I am amazed by just how much my life has changed for the better. I made so many new friends once I dared to let go of my old life, and the pain that came with it. Returning to teaching that year gave my days purpose, and I spent my days with darling second graders who kept me on my toes. And then, out of the blue, it seems, came Chuck. WE CLICKED FROM THE BEGINNING. Our love story continues, and I'm so grateful for the blessings that have come into my life because of him.

What are you waiting for? I know it's so hard to be patient, riding out the wave of darkness and despair that seems to threaten you for days on end. Don't give up. Better days are coming. Just keep taking those deep breaths, and try every day to find something good. Sometimes you might have to look extra hard, but I bet you'll be successful with finding the silver lining in your dark clouds. It will be worth the wait; I just know it.