Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Pudgy White Girl Problems

I would be the first to admit that I have been spoiled most of my life.  The problems I encounter in my life have never been life-threatening, or put me at a serious risk for anything more than a sprained muscle.  To even go public with my problems shows you just how ridiculous my problems are. There is a name for problems like mine.  Check this out:  an entry from the Urban Dictionary...
1. white girl problems
Problems that only stereotypical middle to upper class white girls seem to encounter. To the untrained eye these problems might seem like a symptom of being spoiled, ungrateful, and overly obsessed with superficial appearances and material possessions. The truth is though life is like really hard.
I thought we were running low on pumpkin.
The dictionary goes on to give examples of typical white girl problems.  Allow me to expose some of my own.

Today when I got home from the grocery store, I had too much food. Seriously? Who complains about that?  Apparently, I do, after arriving home with a myriad of grocery sacks filled with more food than my cabinets and freezer can comfortably hold, and still allow the doors to close.

How did I solve said problem?  Well, first of all, I ripped open the boxes of frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and scattered them around in the top freezer drawer.  The box just takes up too much room.  (Who even BUYS peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?  I tell you, I have reached new heights in spoiling the baby of this family.  He's got me pegged with that "Ask and ye shall receive" thing.)

Next, I decided to bake the four dozen peanut butter cookies I bought to support the high school volleyball team.  They weren't cheap! That box was not going to fit in my refrigerator and there was no way I was going to let them go to waste.  Baking four dozen peanut butter cookies when one is home alone all day is a very bad idea.  Especially when that particular someone has been feeling desperate about dropping a few pounds.  I'll be pushing peanut butter cookies on my neighbors and poor Bridger for the rest of the afternoon.

About that weight problem...a few weeks ago, I was getting ready to meet my college girlfriends in Denver for the weekend.  (You're waiting for the problem...I'm getting to it.)  As I was deciding what to pack, I chose one of my favorite casual dresses so I could prove that I haven't totally "gone to pot." (Do people still use that phrase? I'm not smoking dope; it just means "let myself go.") Well, when I tried it on, I looked a little lumpy.  It wasn't GLIDING over my body the way it did at the end of the school year.  THAT'S a problem, people.

My Spanx half-slip arrived from Zulilly just in the nick of time!  If you don't know what Spanx is, I assume you're a man, but you should be aware that Spanx has a man's line, too.  Basically, it's today's answer to girdles.  What a comfort it was to have that little piece of foundation wear holding all of me together under my favorite dress.  You see, I have learned since my last fiasco with Spanx how to properly assess the size to order.  I now know that you buy the size you ARE, not the size you DESIRE.  Try shoving an extra large foot into a child-sized sock; you might understand that awkward situation.   My first Spanx shaper rolled up at the bottom, rolled down at the top, and cut off my circulation and any decent chances I had of breathing comfortably.

Fashion tip:  Spanx, loose jacket, oversized hat to balance lower
body, and cropping the photo just below the bust line.
Works for me.
So...too much food, too many cookies, and a few extra pounds from eating too much.  If I ever encounter any real problems, you'll be the first to know.  If superficial problems can achieve "blog status," I'm sure the real ones will, too.  Now to package those cookies for this afternoon's cookie give-away extra-vaganza.

4 comments:

  1. You crack me up! I'm a food hoarder, too. As the Spanx goes, it's a workout in itself!

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  2. Have you ever read the poem called "Dirty Dishes"? I have it hanging in the kitchen to remind me of how blessed we are to have enough food. There was a time in my mother's life where she didn't and she never let us forget that. Grateful we all have too much!

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    Replies
    1. Loney, I just found the poem through Google. Yes, it's true, we have much to be thankful for. Thanks for pointing that poem out to me. Have a great day!

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