Sunday, September 25, 2016

Confiding in My Confidante


Sometimes life seems hard, and partners disagree, and emotions run high, and feelings get hurt, and the best thing to do is to admit we need a time-out.

While I was lying on the couch, thoughts tumbled around inside of my head. How could I transition from this feeling of anger back to a feeling of love? How could I move from defensiveness to forgiveness? I had let myself get so frustrated that I was just plain mad. I didn't know what to do.

There was a part of me who wished I had a confidante. Someone to listen to my side of the story. Someone in my corner who wanted what was best for me. Someone who would hear me without judging me. 

And then it occurred to me. I do have a confidante. My very best friend in the whole wide world. I married him. 

So while he was at his computer in the office, and I was on the couch in the living room, I initiated a conversation in the most non-threatening way I could; I texted him.


I don't confide in girlfriends, so can I tell my best friend something?


Always.

I think sometimes I drive my husband crazy. 

And sometimes I feel bonkers when we don't see eye-to-eye.

But you know he loves you.

I do. I know he loves me. I think he knows I love him, too.

Yes, he does; he told me.

Do you think my husband and I have to agree on everything to be happy?

Sometimes what is so clear in his world is different in yours.

And he does not understand.

And sometimes it scares and hurts him. 

I know he is smart, but sometimes I get the feeling he thinks I am not. And it makes me feel frustrated, and then I am afraid to back down. 

Even if I might be a little wrong.

We are very different, my husband and I.

He knows you are very smart.

I love him so much, and it concerns me how much he worries. I think he thinks I don't worry enough. 

I used to worry all the time. I am trying to cut back. 

He does not worry all the time.

Just tries to think about things.

He might have written the book Worst Case Scenario. ;-)

Don't tell him I said that. :-) 

No, he works on the book How to Avoid the Worst Case Scenario.

Do you think he is smiling right now? A little?

Inside, yes.

That's a start. 

I made him very sad today.

He made you mad.

And he is sorry.

He felt empty inside. That makes me sad.

He did. 

Will you come model for some photos for him?
Outside?

I am sorry I got so mad at him. Sometimes I want to scream, but I know that won't solve anything.

Do I have time to put on makeup?

He is taking me out tonight.

Nope, no makeup.
These are just test pictures.

I want to look nice for our date. 

You will.

Thank you for texting with me. 

I wanted to edit our words, to change the ending, to make it cleaner and more succinct, but this is our life; our messy, awkward, and very real life. 

We are photographers. Once the ice melted between us, we could go back to living and loving each other the way we do. He asked me to pose for pictures. I agreed to model. We were getting back to our normal. 

Love was replacing anger. Forgiveness was pulling down the walls of defensiveness. We needed to remember the power of the simple things; apologies, and hugs, and forgiveness. 


Before we went outside, we held each other for a very long time. I felt the tension dissolve, and my heart soften, as I was wrapped in his arms. Forgiving each other is one of the greatest gifts we give each other. My confidence in my choice of confidante grows. 

22 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thank YOU for stopping by to read, and take the time to share a comment. That means so much.

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    2. Denise- This is beautiful. This is the BEST way to work through our difficulties. Gerald and I usually work on separate things for a while until the anger or hurt subsides and then we can talk things out. It really is true:we are married to our best friends.

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    3. Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I think most of us need to time to cool off and think things through before we can move forward.

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  2. Wow. The simplest things are always so damn hard. Good choice my friend, good choice

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    1. Thanks, Rhonda. I'm realizing that these hard things are worth pursuing.

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  3. Loving people is magic, and loving them is crazy. It's messy and wonderful, isn't it?

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    1. Well, yes, it is. I guess it's all about balance.

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  4. Bethany Adams BooherSeptember 25, 2016 at 7:44 PM

    That's one reason I ALWAYS wear my silver bracelet. I am impatient and too bossy sometimes. My bracelet is my constant reminder. It says: "Love is patient. Love is kind. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." I ask myself, "Do you love him/her? Then show it." I bought this when my first husband was dying and would have rages...at me. It was part of his disease and truly not him but it still hurt. I also found it useful with children, neighbors, wacky people at the store or on the road and animals. Love never fails. I don't think the two of you have anything to worry about....obviously a perfect match to every eye.

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    1. I like that you use your bracelet as a touchstone. Those are good reminders. I always ask myself, "What's your bottom line? I love him. Then this won't be so hard."

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  5. And that, my dear, is how love works, as best I can tell. Glad you communicated through it. And I have to admit that I love the method, because sometimes the direct F2F approach just doesn't work when you're still angry/hurting.

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    1. Oh, Ros, I am so glad I am finally seeing that disagreements don't mean disaster. They're simply conversation starters that help us understand each other better, and give us SO many opportunities to practice patience, humility, and love.

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  6. Lovely. What grace, what mercy, what humility. Both of you. I don't think the manner is as important as the fact that you found a way to communicate before scar tissue had a chance to form.

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    1. Thank you. Communication and vulnerability have been critical. I have learned so much from my husband.

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  7. Communication is key - no matter what method you choose to employ. I'm glad this worked for you. Honesty and vulnerability are tough. I'm glad both of you were able to work through your issue and I love the photo.

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    1. Whew. I was glad, too. I always pray that I will find a way to break through our barriers so we can find our common ground again. Inspiration usually comes through for me. Thanks for reading, and your positive comments!

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  8. As Cyberbard said, it's important to find a way before scar tissue forms (what a great image that is). Another important piece in using this method for you guys, is that it's how your relationship started in the first place. And you know what? Getting through that moment gives you something to remember when something else comes up. You got through this one, and you'll get through the next one too.

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    1. I am getting more comfortable sitting with the tough stuff. I had always assumed people who were a good match for each other didn't have to deal with conflict. Boy, was I wrong.

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  9. Great post! Would agree with Denise that communication is key. Sometimes we just have to find alternative approaches. Great that you were both able to get there. Nice share!!

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    1. Thank you, Via. I wish I had more tricks in my bag, but I am still very new at this.

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  10. We have been married for 53 years, and I can tell you that talking through your anger is the best thing in the world. Whether you do by text or face to face or rather room to room, without shouting, is the best marriage strengthener there is. Thank you for letting us see the down side as well as the up side of your relationship. You two are wonderful and wonderful together.

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    1. 53 years? That is so amazing, Stella. Thank you for sharing your perspective. We all have much to learn from you.

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