Most of my life, I hid my emotions and feelings behind two lies: I'm fine, and nothing's wrong.
Ask me a direct question about anything else, and I'll answer the best I can, or let you know if I don't know. If I'm making the answer up, I'll tell you that, too.
As a child, I had no problem owning my misdeeds.
"Who ate more than two cookies during after school snack?"
"Who ate more than two cookies during after school snack?"
Whenever Mom asked this question, which was pretty often, I was ready to respond.
"Me. I ate the cookies. I was hungry." Two cookies is not a serving. That's an appetizer.
During the times that a policeman pulled me over on the highway, and asked, "Were you speeding?" I always admitted my guilt.
"Yes, officer. Yes, I was. And I'm very sorry." (Never mind that I was mostly sorry that I got caught, not that I'd been speeding.)
These questions may be slightly uncomfortable, but they are NOTHING compared to the emotional honesty and vulnerability required of adults in a committed relationship.
These questions may be slightly uncomfortable, but they are NOTHING compared to the emotional honesty and vulnerability required of adults in a committed relationship.
For the first time in my life, I feel safe enough in to lay it all out there for the two of us to examine; the good, the bad, and the ugly. My husband actually WANTS to know what I think, how I feel, and what I believe. He can tell when I need more time to process my thoughts, and he is sensitive to my discomfort at being emotionally honest. It may take me longer to speak my truth, but I am learning to do it, no matter how long it takes; no matter how painful.
Being vulnerable is one of the scariest things I've ever done. When I hear, "Are you okay?" or "Is something wrong?", even if I want to pretend I'm fine and nothing's wrong, I need to say the things I know to be true for me because I know the emotional cost of not being true to myself is too high.
It has taken me all of my life to learn that this kind of honesty offers a freedom I'd never known. Being honest with others is important; being honest with myself is life-changing.
Being a vulnerable partner has become a priority, even if that means enduring the discomfort of being honest and transparent. Vulnerability is required to be true to myself and emotionally available to my husband. I only wish I had come into my marriage with what I've been learning the last year and half. All I knew of vulnerability is it is not easy; I wish I had learned earlier that it is worth it.
Several of my friends are doing the blogging challenge with me. We have quite a variety in our group. If you enjoy intelligent, witty, thought-provoking writing, trust me; you'll love the way these powerful women write.
The Vast and Inscrutable Imponderabilities of Life by Antonia
Writing the Life Chaotic by Deb
Faith, Hope, Laughter...and Happily Ever After by Laura
Pushing the Bruise by Ros
Creative writing by Valerie
Vulnerability is anything but easy. Thank you for encouraging me to continue growing in this way. Honesty without accusation or blame is key in a relationship.
ReplyDeleteFeeling safe in my marriage has helped immensely. There's no judgment, so no shame. Thank you, Laura,for your encouragement.
DeleteIndeed! Oy! And I love the Mother Teresa quote; makes me then jump straight to Brene Brown and all we've learned from her. Openness, honesty, and clean speech--scary but SO NICE when you feel they're possible.
ReplyDeleteI never knew those things were possible for me until this late in life. Sad, huh? (I am drawn to quotes that smack of Brené. ;-) )
DeleteAn honest answer to the question "Are you okay?" can be hard. It is so much easier to prevaricate and keep your feeling to yourself. Vulnerability takes strength.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth Hein - Scribbling in the Storage Room
I think many equate vulnerability with weakness. I think many are wrong. Thank you for stopping by.
DeleteYou know, we're so alike. I know exactly what I think and how I feel and often, I'll say something about it where it falls on deaf ears. It has taken me years to respect and appreciate how honest I am and how much I tell the truth about how I am feeling, yet how often people dismiss what has been said. It would drive me nuts except I know I can always hit the high notes and be heard if it really comes to that.
ReplyDeleteVulnerability is tough, like recovering from a knee replacement and having to constantly move your leg to prevent the scar tissue that will limit your range of motion. It took me years to realize that the worst most people could do with my vulnerability was to try and hurt me, and since i know how to recover from emotional injury, I feel like at understand the process even if I don;t like the feelings sometimes.
Have I mentine dhow much I love this series you are doing for the A to Z? Yah, I know I'm a broken record, but I really like what you are writing.
Ha ha ha. Yes, Tonia, thank you for your repeated support. I am learning so much by spending time reflecting on what I'm learning and what I still need to work on. We ARE more alike than I knew, at first. The difference I'm noting is I'd never believed I could hit the high notes to be heard. The deaf ears are gone (NOT THIS, indeed) and I have a willing, attentive listener. What a difference.
DeleteOh, man. So many of us had to learn this, and better late than never. My mom taught me that my thoughts and feelings didn't matter, then later I ended up in relationships that tried to prove it to be true. Then in the times between NOT THIS (again!) and leaving, I pretty much just went silent. Feeling not heard or understood sucks. Yay for you and for Chuck and for vulnerability. I'm loving your series.
ReplyDeleteAlways late to the party; that's me. Darn your mom. My folks were all too happy to let me be a people pleaser. I've spent most of my adult life trying to unlearn that behavior, and trying to let me children know it's okay to own who they are. Thanks for the support, Deb. It means so much.
DeleteI'm very familiar with the phrases, "I'm Fine" and "There is nothing wrong". I use them quite frequently. Mostly, because for the most part, it seems people don't really want to know anything other than that. So I keep them in the dark. So they can feel better.
ReplyDeleteI understand your use of the phrases. I still use them that way with acquaintances. Thank you for stopping by Randomocity.
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