Historically

It was a brisk Friday morning in March when I met my friend Barbara at the Townhouse Books and Cafe for conversation and coffee. The bright sunlight streamed through the colorful jars filled with green-tinged blossoms on the windowsills.

The cream swirled around in my coffee cup, following the circular patterns made by the small silver spoon until the coffee went from black to nearly white. Barbara and I were finally getting a chance to get to know each other better after spending a couple of years together working with a non-profit that served young writers in the area.

There is something so comforting in having a confidante who will not only listen to you, but is willing to be vulnerable in sharing her own story. As the conversation continued, I started to pick up on the way I was describing myself to her, pointing out my flaws, and absolutely owning the issues that have plagued me as an adult. She, too, admitted weaknesses of her own, but to hear us talk, our shortcomings defined who we were. 

Then our conversation took positive turn as we discussed that while it’s okay to know the issues with which we struggle, there might be better ways to talk about them. 

Barbara offered a suggestion she had read about recently that encourages talking about a habit that we are trying to change by introducing it with the word historically. I loved that idea. 

Instead of bemoaning the fact that I have struggled with overeating when stressed, I am now trying to say, “Historically, I turned to binge eating when anxious or depressed, but now I am trying to make better choices.”

In an article entitled "The Importance of Self-Talk," Johnson City Life Coach Tim Peterson wrote, “Self Talk is a huge part of what makes us who we are. It impacts how we feel about ourselves, how we feel about what we can achieve in life, how we’re viewed by the world, and how we interact with others. It impacts our self esteem, self confidence and self image. Pay attention to it.” 

There are innumerable “Benefits of Positive Self-Talk,” and Urmet Seepter managed to pinpoint three of the most positive outcomes in an article from Good Relaxation. Using affirmative language when talking to or about ourselves can reduce stress, boost our confidence, and foster better relationships with others. 

While Barbara and I discovered commonalities in our journeys; we’ve both been divorced, we’ve both been single moms, we are both working at de-cluttering our lives, and we love bookstores, coffee shops, and dogs, I realized what a sweet gift spending time with Barbara was to me. I was thankful to have found another wise, compassionate woman to add to my tribal circle of sisters. 

When we hugged goodbye that morning, I whispered into Barbara's ear, "Be aware of your self-talk. Be kind to yourself." She reminded me to refer to my struggles in the past tense, and I promised to remember her suggestion.

Maybe you will want to try prefacing sentences with the word historically when referencing behaviors on which you are working to improve, or are eliminating altogether. 

Let go of things that are no longer serving you. You don't have to deny you are working to make things better, you just don't have to keep talking about it in the present tense. Let those things go; keep them in the past, where they belong.