Expectations: What's in Your Box?

One of the the things I've been doing to pass the time while I'm organizing and cleaning the house is listening to podcasts. One of my favorite speakers is Andy Stanley, and a series of his I've been enjoying is "What Happy Couples Know." The following are my notes from the series, and an attempt to process what I have learned from Mr. Stanley.

Chuck and I were sharing  some of the talks we've been listening to, and I mentioned the metaphor Andy Stanley uses for THE BOX. He says when we were younger, we each had a box that we filled with our hopes, dreams, and desires. 

Immediately, Chuck wanted to know what was in my box. That put me in an uncomfortable spot because I had listened to the next couple podcasts, too, and there is more to it than just having a box of desires, hopes, and dreams. 

Andy Stanley says that often when we are in a committed relationship, we take our box, and hand it over to our partner, and expect them to make all of those things come true. 

What we viewed as our precious box of desires, hopes, and dreams feels differently to our partners. To them, we have given a great assignment; a weighty box of  our expectations has been thrust upon them. 

When we put the responsibility for our happiness on our partners, we enter into a debt/debtor relationship. Andy asks how grateful we are when someone does something we expect them to do. 

For instance, if I have the expectation that on my birthday Chuck will give me a bouquet of orange Gerber daisies, and he does it, he has met his obligation to me. 

"Thanks for doing what I expected you to do, Chuck," I might imply with lukewarm thanks. He has met my minimum expectation, so I may not get too excited about his gift, which could puzzle my husband, since he did exactly what was asked of him. If I think he OWES me, I will not be nearly as grateful as if I would be if I had no expectation, and he surprised me with a gift of his choosing. 

"Wow, thanks, Sweetheart! What a surprise! You are so thoughtful. How did I get so lucky!" may be the thanks he would receive then. 

If we believe someone OWES us something, nothing they do for us would be perceived as a gift. For instance, if I owe you fifty dollars, can I give you a gift of $50? No, I've only managed to pay off my debt to you. The debt/debtor relationship has no place in a marriage.

How can we keep our hopes, dreams, and desires from becoming expectations for our partners?

In referencing the title of his talk, "What Happy Couples Know," Andy Stanley says that happy couples ask a very important question, and it is this: 

"What does my partner owe me?" 

And happy couples answer the question this way: "NOTHING." Our partners owe us absolutely nothing.

Happy couples know they owe each other everything, but they are owed nothing in return. Does this seem strange? It hardly makes any sense, unless you try to put it into practice in your relationship.

This is the basis of a healthy marriage. Marriage is a "submission competition;" a race to the back of the line. Partners should be trying to put the other's needs first before their own. 

Chuck owes me nothing, and yet I feel like I owe him everything. I owe Chuck nothing, but he treats me as though he owes me everything. 

At the end of Jesus' life, he said he was going to give the disciples a new commandment. The new command was this: 

"Love one another, as I have loved you, so you must love one another." 

He reduced all of the Jewish laws down to one commandment. "Love one another." 

The golden rule is "treat others the way you want to be treated." Andy Stanley says Jesus taught the platinum rule: "treat others the way God through Christ loved us."

So Chuck, to answer your question, I suppose I do have a box. My box is full of my hopes, dreams, and desires. There are things I want to do, places I want to go, people I want to see. There are aspirations; things I hope to learn and share, and things I hope to accomplish. I will tell you what is in my box, with the understanding that you realize I'm not going to hand my box over to you with any expectation that you make these things come true. 

The contents of my box may have shifted during my lifetime. Things that once seemed so important may have sifted toward the bottom of my carton. Things that at first I took for granted have taken on a greater significance. These are some of the things in my box:

Being a wife and mother.

Having a happy family, and feeling connected to each other.

Seeing our children often.

Spending time with women who inspire and encourage me.

Using my creative talents to write, draw, photograph, and paint.

Being physically fit. 

Having a dog.

Living in a nice, but small home; one that is cozy and inviting, without too much clutter.

Having room-darkening curtains so I can nap during the day.

Traveling to the New England states in the fall.

Going back to Virginia to reconnect with family and friends. 

Being debt-free.

Living within our means without using credit cards to buy things before we can afford them.

Going to places I've never been: Sedona, AZ; Ipswich, MA; Multnomah Falls, OR.

Eating at non-chain restaurants that are locally owned.

Being of service to friends and neighbors. 

Listening to music that makes me happy.

Hiking slot canyons in Utah, and visiting nearby national parks. 

Since I believe that happiness is a choice, and that I am in charge of my own happiness, I am willing to take responsibility for the things that are in my box. I'm not dumping that responsibility on you in the form of an expectation. I also know you have a box, and it is my desire to work with you throughout our lives to make sure you have every opportunity to realize your own hopes, dreams, and desires. 

You don't owe me anything, but it sure is nice to feel like we're both working to make each others' dreams come true.