"Do you think you're codependent?" my therapist asked. I winced as I tried to disappear into her big, purple sofa. I'd been called that before, by someone I did not respect, and who did not respect me. Am I codependent?
The first thing I did when I got home after my counseling session was Google "codependent." I found a check list, of sorts, on Everyday Living, and scanned the signs:
Signs of codependency include:
- Having difficulty making decisions in a relationship
- Having difficulty identifying your feelings
- Having difficulty communicating in a relationship
- Valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself
- Lacking trust in yourself and having poor self-esteem
- Having fears of abandonment or an obsessive need for approval
- Having an unhealthy dependence on relationships, even at your own cost
- Having an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
Whoa. Nothing like reading a list that seems like looking into a mirror. I related to every single item. Don't worry, I won't elaborate on each of the signs, but in an effort to be transparent, I want to tell you a little bit about my struggle, and also, about the baby steps I'm taking to feel better about myself.
Relationships require a lot of work, and many decisions have to be made. You can imagine how challenging it can be for my husband when I can't even decide on a restaurant, when given a choice. When we are going out to eat, I usually defer to Chuck. When my friend Susan and I go out for coffee, I let her order for me; she always chooses such good combinations, and it's one less decision I have to make.
On a good day, when all is well, and I'm healthy, and I've had enough sleep, people who know me don't even ask how I'm doing. It's obvious. I'm doing GREAT.
But on a less than stellar day, when my mood raises suspicion of something being not quite right, I generally have two responses. "Fine," means "Well enough. I'd rather not elaborate."
My other response is "I'm tired," which could mean a myriad of things depending on the day: "I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm annoyed. I'm grumpy. I'm disappointed. I'm depressed." "I'm tired" can also mean "I'm exhausted." I would just rather not talk about my feelings.
Rest assured, if you had to ask me how I'm doing, I'm hoping the conversation will turn to something else because the last thing I want to do is analyze how I'm feeling.
After a couple of counseling sessions, I realized being codependent isn't all bad. I love being a caretaker, and I'm happiest when I'm helping someone else. I'm learning it's totally okay for me to ask for what I want, and I've decided to try speaking up with one of the kindest, safest people I know: my husband.
Recently, Chuck and I had a wonderful getaway to Door County, Wisconsin, where we photographed the fall colors for two days. The scenery was breathtaking around every turn. As we were driving home, Chuck asked if there were anything that would make my day special.
Gulp. This is where I typically say, "No, I'm good. What about you? Anything you want or need?"
You may think I am the weirdest duck in the pond, but asking for what I want is really, really hard for me. And I didn't even want something big. I just wanted a decaf coffee, preferably from a locally-owned, non-chain coffee shop.
But you see, we had just moments before pulled off the interstate to get gas, and when Chuck saw it was a mile down the road, and not by the exit, he pulled back onto the road to find one that was conveniently located.
As we were looking for another gas station, I mustered up my courage. "I thought of something I would really like."
"What is it? Anything! I want to get if for you."
"Well, it might require driving more than a mile off the interstate."
"That's fine. I don't mind at all, if it's something that would make you happy. What is it?"
"A decaf coffee. But not from Starbucks. And not at a gas station. It might be hard to find. And it's okay if you don't want to..."
"I want to do that for you! Thank you for asking. Just find a coffee shop on your phone, and tell me how to get there."We drove three whole miles off the freeway, and as luck would have it, there was a gas station across the street from the Copper Rock Coffee shop in Green Bay.
Whew. That wasn't so bad. I was able to sip on a steaming cup of coffee during our trip home, and Chuck seemed legitimately happy to be doing something special for me.
Why did I even mention all of this? I'm admitting life isn't always easy, and I have my share of baggage. I'm letting you know I'm working on my stuff, just like you are working on yours in your own way, and on your own schedule.
This summer, I worked with my doctor to find a medication that will help me deal with my depression without making me feel like a zombie. Then early this fall, I found a counselor I like. It's not her job to tell me what to do; she simply helps me sort out my thoughts so I know what it is I want to do.
Facing the truth is hard, but getting to know who we are, and understanding our limitations, and being challenged to become our authentic selves is a good thing. It's not always comfortable, and it sure isn't easy, but it is going to be worth it. We're all in this together. Thanks for cheering me on from the sidelines.
I'm rooting for you, too.
