Feel Free to Skip This One (BATTLING INSOMNIA)

Warning: If you're looking for some inspiration, or humor, or lighthearted reading, this isn't it. Move on. Try another blog today. 

Today I'm attempting to be honest with what is going on in my struggle with persistence. You guys, this insomnia is kicking my butt. I have had maybe three good nights' sleep in the last month, and that's just not enough to keep me feeling balanced. 

It is hard to be persistent with my health goals when I feel like crap. I feel so guilty for making excuses when I turn to food for comfort. The drill sergeant inside of my head thinks I just need to be harder on myself. I need to tighten up, focus, and push harder. I need to stop being a crybaby, and grow up, and learn to deal with life without relying on old bad habits. 

But what I want is for that dang drill sergeant to move out of my headspace to make room for a sweet grandma who will envelope me in loving arms, whisper words of comfort, and rock me to sleep. I feel like such a failure for the several times I have turned to food for comfort because I couldn't deal with the exhaustion, and the feelings that come with it. A grandma would love me through this, and tell me to not be so hard on myself. She'd even offer me a piece of chocolate, and then tell me not to give up. She would remind me that once I rest up, things will seem better. I just need to be patient.  

Before my doctor changed my medications, at least it felt normal for me to wake up at three or so. Now that we're tinkering with dosages and prescriptions, I feel like I'm going to be stark-raving mad because I am having trouble sleeping past midnight. Last night, it was 10:15 when I looked at the clock. TEN FIFTEEN, y'all. My brain woke me up, and decided two hours was plenty of sleep, and it decided we should get up, and get going. 

When I can't sleep, I like to get the dogs out of their crates and sit on the couch with them. Sami curls up on her end of the couch, I take the other end, and Bristol crawls up into my lap, as much as he can. Those two fall asleep quickly, and I am comforted just knowing they are there. 

Once my tummy realized my brain was up, it thought we should eat. At that first little thought of food, I panicked. I thought of my PERSISTENCE goal. I asked God to help me do better. It wasn't exactly a heartfelt prayer; more like a crazy one-word cry for help, and then there was a log jam of battling thoughts in my brain. I'd had a long day away from home. My meal planning had not been adequate, and I'd ended up eating more comfort foods than I'd intended. I'd already not done very well on nourishing myself. Then I started feeling sorry for myself sitting there on the couch in the middle of the night because I knew my resolve was weakening. I was weakening. I started making excuses for why I deserved to eat when I feel this tired.

I kept thinking of all the other things I could do besides eat at that hour, but old habits are dying hard. 

Maybe it was my spirit that was starving, really. I've always gotten those signals mixed; always. But what did I do? I ate. Do I have to tell you what I ate? Some sick part of me thinks if I own up to it, maybe I will be less likely to binge next time. 

That being said, I found a cinnamon roll in the freezer, and thawed it in the microwave. Then I ate an English muffin. And a protein bar. To be honest, I ate TWO protein bars. 

Chuck just sent me a text asking what would help make our upcoming three-day weekend feel more special for me. What a sweetheart. It made me cry. I told him I would think about it.

How do you tell the man who wants to make all your dreams come true that all you really want is to sleep through the night, and to know you're going to be okay? It seems so ridiculous, but a lack of sleep makes me ridiculous. He would do anything he could to make me happy, but he can't make me sleep. He must be so frustrated to have to deal with my insomnia, too.

I. JUST. WANT. TO. SLEEP. ALL. NIGHT. LONG. Not take a nap. Not fall asleep sitting on the couch. I want to go to bed at a decent hour, and stay ASLEEP until morning. Hell, I'd even settle for waking up at three AM. I miss getting five or six straight hours of rest. I want to sleep all night, and not wake up thinking I need to eat to make the tired go away. 

I'm sorry for anyone who came here hoping to find encouragement today. Maybe you can take heart in knowing that no matter what you're going through, you're not alone. We're not alone. I know that. Today just seems harder because a lack of sleep is catching up with me. Tomorrow will be better. It always is.