Monday, April 21, 2014

Where Have All the Worries Gone?

The house will be too small.

How will I be able to stand drinking water without my water distiller?

No more luxuries for me. (Goodbye hot tub, monthly massages, eating out, vacation destinations...)

Loneliness will haunt me.

I can't live without my dog.

Life without Dad will be too hard.

That dumpy little house will never feel like home.

I don't do "single" well.

Sunrises won't look as good living that close to the freeway.

I'm giving up these panoramic views.

Daily hiking up "my" canyon will not be an option.

Oh, my worry list was endless. When long days stretched before me, my brain worked overtime considering all of the things that were going to challenge me. 

Do you know what has been confirmed for me time and time again? Worries rarely turn into reality. I traveled from Point A to Point B when that didn't even look possible. How did I do it?

I survived the loss of my dad, the end of my marriage, and the absence of my darling Boston Terrier. I packed up my stuff from two houses, purged most of it, and moved what was left into a teeny, tiny house. I moved away from some of my dearest friends. Every time I felt like I couldn't take one more loss, I would remind myself to live ONE DAY AT A TIME to get me through the sadness or anxiety, and focus on what was good and right at that particular moment.

When one day at a time seemed overwhelming, I would remind myself that I just need to get past THIS moment. I would focus on my breath. "JUST BREATHE", I would remind myself. Sometimes I just allowed myself to feel whatever it was I was feeling. I learned that running away (hiking for hours at a time) wasn't really solving anything. I still had to face my "new normal" when I returned home. 

It helped me to have something to do, to keep busy. When I wasn't throwing myself into my hiking up the canyon, I was busy with the 40 Bags in 40 Days Challenge. I had about six weeks to pack, clean, and move. 

Tomorrow it will have been four months since Daddy has been gone. Since Christmas, there have been many changes in my life. I have gone from being married to single, living in two spacious houses to one small one, and moving from a small town to an even smaller town. 

I still miss my dad. My house is filled with reminders of his love and support. His smiling face is in my favorite photographs. I kept his letters to me. My memory books are displayed on the wall, and are readily available. It has not been easy, but like so many before me, I survive without his physical presence. I cry when I must, but mostly, I enjoy my memories.

Our divorce is final. I couldn't know how everything was going to turn out until we went through with it, but I am grateful for the friendship we have been able to maintain. We have supported each other through our trials, and have tried to be positive in our approach to our lives apart. April 5 was our six-year anniversary of meeting at the Village Inn, and we had a nice breakfast together to celebrate the occasion. We continue to check in with each other, cheering each other on as we work on our individual goals and challenges. There have been hidden blessings revealed this spring in surviving the hardest winter of my life. For that, I'm truly grateful.

Life without a canine has been broken up with occasional visits from my sweet MARLEY. I'm grateful for our time together, and have begun looking into adopting a dog of my own from the Utah Humane Society. I look forward to taking care of him next month for a couple of weeks. He will always have a place in my heart and home.

All of those other worries? They never materialized. I don't miss the luxuries...too much. We are spending money carefully, and making do with used/donated items when we can so we can afford an occasional indulgence. We have plans for a couple of fun road trips this summer, thanks to the generosity of friends and family opening their homes to us. 
As long as we're looking up, the sunrise is beautiful anywhere. We just have to seek out the beauty where we are.

My walk to the Joe Town Hill and back is lovely. Monroe Canyon is a quick few miles away. My friends in Marysvale have seen to it I know I am welcome any time. The sunrises and sunsets are lovely here, too. The moon peeks through the branches of the trees that line my property. This dumpy little house is taking shape, and next month, I can't wait to show you all of the changes that will be taking place on the outside. 

"Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere." That was a quote I wrote in my book of quotations when I was in high school. I would do well to remember it. 

Once again, I am reminded that living in the now is really the only option. If I'm sad, it is because my thoughts are focusing on the past, pining away on the "if only" thoughts. If I'm anxious, I know I'm worrying about the future. Worry goes away when I focus my thoughts on the present, and express gratitude for all of the blessings of the moment. And there are many. 

For today, I'm going to kiss my worries goodbye, and stand firm in this perfect place in time. Family and friends have lifted me up through my trials. God has not let me down. Life is good. 


  1. When I read about all you been going through in the last couple of months, I'm always so impressed by how well you are coping despite such huge changes. I had not realized your dad passed so recently. Always marvel at your courage and attitude and wish I had better words to match my admiration.

    1. Thank you, Tonia. There were so many doubt-filled days to work through, but now that I'm here, I am so grateful for all I have learned about life and myself.

  2. This is why, despite the fact that we have not yet met in person, I love you so much. You are such an inspiration to me. You are sporting the type of attitude that I long to possess. I learn so much from you!

    Continued blessings and peace!

    1. Oh, Melinda. I am grateful that what I'm learning makes you feel inspired. You have been such a support to me through all of this. Thank you.


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