Thursday, February 13, 2014

No More Wallowing!

My recliner and I were pretty intimate yesterday.  I just sat there, staring blankly at my laptop screen, occasionally running my hand down the smooth coat of my little Boston Terrier.  He must have sensed my lethargy because he was content to sit with me, all day long.  I wonder if it's possible to get "recliner sores."  If so, mine are probably starting.



I watched the sky turn from black to grey to blue, and then toward evening, I watched the sky fade to black again.  The day was an overcast winter day that was unseasonably warm.  It would have been a great day for a hike, but I couldn't muster up any enthusiasm for exercise.  I was aware that the sun was traveling across the sky above the grey-cast sky, and that I would have nothing to show for my day.  And I simply did not care.


I looked into the fridge.  Chicken that should've been thrown out days ago.  Leftover Anasazi beans I made for the boys the day we went skiing. When was that?  Over the weekend? No, two weekends ago.  Yeah, they need to be tossed.  Wilted lettuce. Apples that taste of cilantro because I threw them all in the same drawer.


So I did what any non-self-respecting woman does when nothing sounds good, and self-care is the farthest thing from her mind.  I took the homemade chocolate chip cookies out of the freezer, and thawed a couple in the microwave.  I ate them in front of the sink, staring out at the grey forest of bare-limbed trees.  

Winter branches are one of my favorite sights, but today they just looked bland and blah, which was perfect.  I don't want to feel any high-highs today, and I certainly don't want to feel any low-lows.  Goodness knows there's been enough of those lately. Then I thawed a couple more cookies, and ate the partially frozen snack, crunching through the chips, unaware of taste or smell, just going through the motions of putting food in my mouth, and swallowing.


I had time to shower, but never took one.  Every time I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror, I noticed the tired look in my eyes.  Makeup would've helped, I suppose, but applying makeup takes effort.  I couldn't be bothered with that, so I didn't even make an attempt at mascara.  I re-applied deodorant; better than nothing, I suppose.


Marley hardly moved yesterday, only shifting in our chair when I did.  It's funny how dogs know we need them.  We managed to move to the bed for awhile, and he nestled in beside me; we were joined at the hip all day.


My stepmom called me early, checking to see how I was.  My little sister had gone home early from her teaching job; a big snowstorm was coming, so she called me when she got home. My mom called.  My friend and neighbor told me she'd be home at 5:30 so we could get together.  I warned her:  "I look rough. Can I come as I am?"


Her response?  "Of course, you can. It it just me, Silly." I barely had the energy to talk, but if I didn't have to get ready, I could probably handle a visit.


Since her husband was out of town, we were going to catch up with a chat, just the two of us, just like old times.  I missed her. When we were both going through some hard times several years ago, we spent every afternoon together, walking and talking out all of our frustrations.  We saw each other through the end of our first marriages, and then later, through the beginning stages of our second marriages.  As we settled in to our new lives, we no longer needed each other like we had. We were happy.  On the rare occasions we did get together, it was like we'd never missed a day.  I love friends like that.


I needed her again.  She knew that.  I was so glad to know I could always count on her.


As I stood before the sink...I know what you're wondering.  Yes, I was eating another half-frozen cookie, Marley caught my eye. He was sitting up on his haunches, hoping for a tidbit of my treat. I broke off a small piece of cookie, and dropped it into his open mouth. Then I scooped him up, and cradled him in my arms as I looked out at the grey clouds that were gathering beyond the trees. Marley is not one for cuddling, but he must have known I needed to feel his warmth.  He rested his head on my shoulder as my tears splashed onto his smooth black coat.  He breathed softly in my ear.  I couldn't leave him alone. This was going to be our last night together.  I dried my eyes, and set him back down in our chair.  I asked my girlfriend if we could walk over to her place to pick her up, and walk back here to our house.


"It's my last night with Marley.  I don't want to leave him alone."  She's not a dog-lover, but she knows I am.


"Sure, do you want me to meet you halfway?"  We live less than a mile from each other.  I told her Marley deserved to get out for a walk, and the longer the better.  We would be there soon.


Today is a new day. My little canine companion slept wedged up against my hip all night long. He's sleeping in while I'm in the living room, trying to make sense of my words. I started my day with a cookie, but I think I've had enough of those.  My nose tells me another layer of deodorant is not going to do the job today. I'm off to take a shower, and I'm sensing a big hike in the canyon with Marley is on the docket for today.


There are big changes on my horizon. Soon this house will be stacked with boxes, the closets empty, and the cupboards bare. Once we get settled in, it will be nice to be closer to town and my mom. Marley will be staying up north, as I start this new chapter in my life.  

One day I will get another dog, but for today, I am going to make the most of my time with him.  We're going to tackle the canyon together, and snuggle in our chair later. We have the gift of this day. It would be a shame to waste it.






10 comments:

  1. Sorry you are losing your baby...thats so tough (Talmage wants me to tell you that "...its stupid..." He is home with me today so he had me read this to him out loud.
    Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

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    1. I am trusting that things will work out just the way they should. We're going to be okay.

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  2. Denise, you and I have walked several similar journeys and I can feel so vividly what you are going through. Thank you for sharing with us. You are in my prayers. *hug*

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    1. Thank you, Beth, for your supportive words!

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  3. I can see the love for you in Marley's eyes. Spend some good time with him today. Milk every minute. Sigh.

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    1. We've had a wonderful day today. I am afraid I wore him out with my 8 mile goal, though. He's hardly moved the rest of the day.

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  4. You certainly captured your feelings. They were tucked in each and every line. I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Anne, I had to write about it to get past it. Once I did, we had a delightful day together.

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  5. I don't think there's a person alive who can't relate to the despondency you were feeling yesterday. Just so you know-- I would have just eaten the cookies frozen. Thawing sounds like such a bother when I'm feeling that way. You illustrated it perfectly. I teared up reading about visiting your friend. So glad you've got her. Blessings on your path my dear. You guys are in my prayers today.

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    1. Torrey, you do make me laugh! Thanks for the smiles...the prayers...the blessings.

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