Saturday, June 29, 2013

Was Thumper Wrong?


The looping soundtrack that runs through my head, the phrase I hear when in the midst of conflict, is really not that helpful.

The one line that surfaces whenever there is an argument, or a disagreement, is "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all."  

You're familiar with the words if you've ever seen Bambi.  Unlike me, though, you probably didn't base all of your conversations on one little line from a Disney film.

There are people who question my silence, those who think I should "say what I mean, and mean what I say."

Why couldn't THAT have been my lifelong motto? No, my brain latched onto a silly little bunny's advice, and took it, and twisted it into a way of life.  

"If you can't say something nice...don't say nothin' at all," Thumper's father told him, and his mother reminded him. 

How can I un-learn that response that has been automatic for me since childhood?

My mother repeated it often enough as we were growing up. She hated the words, "Shut up," which I also took to heart. I never allowed my students to say that to each other in my thirty years of teaching. My own children knew better than to say that to each other. I realize now that Mom's quoting Thumper was effectively a kinder way to say, "Shut up."

There are so many ways to approach a dark time, a setback, or a period of trouble. Perhaps I could have found someone else to emulate, and I would have developed better interpersonal relationship skills at the same time.  

I could have tried Dirty Harry's response, "Go ahead.  Make my day." Well, perhaps that isn't the best line either, but I definitely wouldn't have been walking away from conflict.

While pondering other perspectives, I was scanning the internet, and found a little gem entitled, "25 Movie Quotes to Live By" on the Total Film website.  Who knew? I should have checked it out sooner. 

Dr. Venkman of Ghostbusters fame offered this little line:  "I don't have to take this abuse from you. I've got hundreds of people dying to abuse me." That's a nice little comeback with a sprinkle of self-deprecating humor, for good measure. 

Just so you know, I scanned all 25 suggestions, and not one of them was Thumper's quote.  So whether Thumper was right or not, it may be unwise to base most of my conversational input (or lack thereof) on the advice of a cartoon rabbit.

My interpretation of Thumper's advice has been "Suck it up. Don't whine. Don't complain. Don't gossip. Refuse to add to an argument. Suffer in silence. Go along to get along."

Seriously, it's time to try a new tactic. I need to take pity on the poor people who try to converse with me. They bring up something that makes me uncomfortable, and I whistle and look off into the distance, trying to avoid adding fuel to the fire.  Saying NOTHING is not always the best tactic. 

Perhaps I could try a southern version of Thumper's advice, "If you can't say something nice, say what you need to, and quickly add, 'Bless your heart.'"

I've been through several years of counseling, and one thing I've learned about myself is that I believe I have a right to my own opinion...it's just hard to believe I have the right to express it. When I have dared to cross that make-believe line I've drawn for myself, I have watered down my thoughts so much to make them diplomatic, I hardly recognized them as my own.

Flight or fight response? I have always chosen flight. And that's just downright rude sometimes. I needed to practice hearing someone out, and offering an appropriate response, even if it's not agreeable to the other person.

I began to question my silence after being enlightened by BrenĂ© Brown’s talk about Comfort vs. Courage, and I began seeking to live my life with the value of courage. I realized that I can disagree without being disagreeable. 

It was hard, at first, to find my voice because it had been silent for so long. For me, what worked best was to be sure I was coming from a place of peace and love when hard conversations needed to be had. It was easier for me to be brave when I knew I could be kind when I speak my truth.

All of my life, I had confused being totally honest with being mean. It makes me sad that it took so long for me to see how wrong that thinking is, but at least I am learning it.

Perhaps Thumper's mama should have taught him, "If you can't say something nice, make sure that you speak with courage and respect." There. I like that much better. 


It is empowering to know that I have a voice, and it deserves to be heard. It is comforting to know that I can express myself freely if my value is courage, and my motivation is peace and understanding. No more staring off into the distance, keeping my thoughts to myself. I have a voice, and now that I have found it, I will use it for good. 









16 comments:

  1. Oh Denies, my mama taught me the same thing. I'm very much like you on the silence part, however I am getting better at self preservation. When it comes to hurting people we may choose to remain silent, but when remaining silent hurts ourselves it's time to speak up. You know I got your back...sending you positive healing energy!

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    1. Isn't there some general response that would defuse the situation? "I realize we may not be seeing eye-t0-eye, now will you excuse me while I run away?" There must be something peaceful, something kind. WWJD? What WOULD Jesus do, indeed? Or the Dalai Lama? My concern with them is that I'm not exactly an authority figure on the subject of handling awkward situations, and if I borrowed either of their words, it would seem ridiculous! Thanks for your input. I just need to be more careful about when I speak, and when I'm silent.

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    2. Neither Jesus nor the Dalai Lama would remain silent when words need to be spoken. Denise, you have a right to your voice...it's ok to own it. You need to take care of you. Letting ANYONE treat you unkindly is less than you deserve. You are definitely one of the kindest, good-hearted, and wisest people I know. If a friend was posing this same scenario to you, in all honesty what would your advice be? Think about it and do what you'd advice your dearest, closest friend or sister.

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  2. Wow!! Now for something profound (but not from me); I'm either to dumbfounded and just stand there (and think of something wonderful later) or I go totally inappropriate and make things worse.

    Although, if you have something to say on "said" subject go ahead and say it but just don't loose control. Or as you stated before, you DON'T have to take that abuse..."Thank you but no Thank you" and walk away

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    1. Oh, yes, Noelle, I have brilliant responses the NEXT day. I would like to make my point AND be polite at the same time. Usually, I think I come off as thinking I'm "all that." When I get defensive, I get ugly, so I generally prefer silence. Is it golden? I'm thinking NOT.

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  3. I definitely get ugly...I think maybe its a little of both. Sometimes silence may not be golden but is better; and then other times whats pushing at the back of your throat trying to get out needs to get out. So there is no simple "One" answer its a case by case basis maybe.

    And there is nothing wrong with standing up and saying something and then only walk away if all they want to do is fight. Say...I am more than willing to talk about this with you but you don't want to talk you want to conquer so come back when you are ready to have a civilized discussion--you know where I'll be. Then smile.

    Of course all this is because I have a minute (or 60) to think about it.

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  4. When I first started my nursing job at Stonehenge, I had a heck of a time with some of the nurses. The famous saying, "nurses eat their young", 100% True. Nurses can be mean, they hate new blood, and if they want to, they can make you hate your job, even if it's one you really love.

    I started out as the quiet one (weird, I know). Taking orders from some of the more "seasoned" nurses, doing what everyone asked all the time. I realized that some people honestly just want to make others miserable. When I finally started standing up for myself, I was SO much happier at my job. If I had a problem with someone, I told them face to face. If a doctor treated me like crap on the phone, I spoke my opinion whether they agreed or not(that was a hard one to master, but they sometimes have an unrealistic "God Complex" and need to be brought back to reality).

    We are totally different in this way, you've known me basically my whole life, I've always been loud, strong willed, outspoken, at times I stick my foot in my mouth... lol. But I always speak what's on my mind. I'm one of those people who would rather hit conflict head on and get it over with right away then let the unknown, stay unknown. If I have a problem with someone or something. I simply call out the situation. Is it uncomfortable and scary? dang right it is, but in the end, it seems to diffuse the situation much faster than avoiding. :) <3 <3

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  5. Ashley, I need to take a page out of your book. I know you're right about it being hard temporarily...I need to realize the payoff will be worth it in the long run. Thanks for taking the time to share your experiences with me.

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  6. Your last comment reminded me of my last real conversation with my dad. In his dementia, though I was 54, he was seeing me as a bout a 9 year old girl, the age of my niece Michaela who was a part of our conversation. At one point he said, "You, know, I think you are one of the smartest girls I know." "I'll try to use it for good," I answered. "See that you do," was his replay.

    From what I have read from you or from interactions I have had with you on here, I think you will find that way to use it for good.

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    1. What a wonderful memory with your dad. Thank you, Linda, for all of your support.

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  7. Love the title. Helps me to understand something about myself as I couldn't understand why I always "felt" mean - even though I wasn't. I haven't struggled with expressing myself, the issue was others' responses. Being honest doesn't mean popularity. I continue to work at not internalizing others' responses to my "polite" expressions of honesty. By the way, I am not perfect. I do blow it too - especially with my husband and kids!!

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    1. You mention something that always worries me. I like being liked. I don't even know how to act when someone reacts negatively toward me. Not internalizing the words of others is something I continue to battle.

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  8. I love this post. I loved Thumper too and still think there is much to be said for his advice though it can be carried too far and like you, I carried it to an extreme. I like your "new and improved" advice form Thumper. Works for me.

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    1. Moderation is one of those "unexplored frontiers" for me. All or none seems to be my way. I will continue to work on this!

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  9. This is one of my favorite posts of yours - so well said. I've spent most of my adult years trying to unlearn this one. It gets easier with practice, but it's sometimes still a struggle to state my opinion rather than just "shut up" to keep peace. Honestly, your writing always gives readers that "yeah, me too" feeling. Love it.

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    1. Deb, thank you. It is an ongoing learning process, isn't it? You are always so positive in your comments; I appreciate the time you take to write them.

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