Was Thumper Wrong?

The looping soundtrack that runs through my head, the phrase I hear when in the midst of conflict, is really not that helpful.

The one line that surfaces whenever there is an argument, or a disagreement, is "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all."  

You're familiar with the words if you've ever seen Bambi.  Unlike me, though, you probably didn't base all of your conversations on one little line from a Disney film.

There are people who question my silence, those who think I should "say what I mean, and mean what I say."

Why couldn't THAT have been my lifelong motto? No, my brain latched onto a silly little bunny's advice, and took it, and twisted it into a way of life.  

"If you can't say something nice...don't say nothin' at all," Thumper's father told him, and his mother reminded him. 

How can I un-learn that response that has been automatic for me since childhood?

My mother repeated it often enough as we were growing up. She hated the words, "Shut up," which I also took to heart. I never allowed my students to say that to each other in my thirty years of teaching. My own children knew better than to say that to each other. I realize now that Mom's quoting Thumper was effectively a kinder way to say, "Shut up."

There are so many ways to approach a dark time, a setback, or a period of trouble. Perhaps I could have found someone else to emulate, and I would have developed better interpersonal relationship skills at the same time.  

I could have tried Dirty Harry's response, "Go ahead.  Make my day." Well, perhaps that isn't the best line either, but I definitely wouldn't have been walking away from conflict.

While pondering other perspectives, I was scanning the internet, and found a little gem entitled, "25 Movie Quotes to Live By" on the Total Film website.  Who knew? I should have checked it out sooner. 

Dr. Venkman of Ghostbusters fame offered this little line:  "I don't have to take this abuse from you. I've got hundreds of people dying to abuse me." That's a nice little comeback with a sprinkle of self-deprecating humor, for good measure. 

Just so you know, I scanned all 25 suggestions, and not one of them was Thumper's quote.  So whether Thumper was right or not, it may be unwise to base most of my conversational input (or lack thereof) on the advice of a cartoon rabbit.

My interpretation of Thumper's advice has been "Suck it up. Don't whine. Don't complain. Don't gossip. Refuse to add to an argument. Suffer in silence. Go along to get along."

Seriously, it's time to try a new tactic. I need to take pity on the poor people who try to converse with me. They bring up something that makes me uncomfortable, and I whistle and look off into the distance, trying to avoid adding fuel to the fire.  Saying NOTHING is not always the best tactic. 

Perhaps I could try a southern version of Thumper's advice, "If you can't say something nice, say what you need to, and quickly add, 'Bless your heart.'"

I've been through several years of counseling, and one thing I've learned about myself is that I believe I have a right to my own opinion...it's just hard to believe I have the right to express it. When I have dared to cross that make-believe line I've drawn for myself, I have watered down my thoughts so much to make them diplomatic, I hardly recognized them as my own.

Flight or fight response? I have always chosen flight. And that's just downright rude sometimes. I needed to practice hearing someone out, and offering an appropriate response, even if it's not agreeable to the other person.

I began to question my silence after being enlightened by Brené Brown’s talk about Comfort vs. Courage, and I began seeking to live my life with the value of courage. I realized that I can disagree without being disagreeable. 

It was hard, at first, to find my voice because it had been silent for so long. For me, what worked best was to be sure I was coming from a place of peace and love when hard conversations needed to be had. It was easier for me to be brave when I knew I could be kind when I speak my truth.

All of my life, I had confused being totally honest with being mean. It makes me sad that it took so long for me to see how wrong that thinking is, but at least I am learning it.

Perhaps Thumper's mama should have taught him, "If you can't say something nice, make sure that you speak with courage and respect." There. I like that much better. 

It is empowering to know that I have a voice, and it deserves to be heard. It is comforting to know that I can express myself freely if my value is courage, and my motivation is peace and understanding. No more staring off into the distance, keeping my thoughts to myself. I have a voice, and now that I have found it, I will use it for good.