Authenticity

You and I may be very different in our aspirations, hopes, and beliefs, but I think our differences are what make us interesting and unique. When we respectfully share our thoughts with each other, it can help us solidify our own beliefs, while deepening our understanding of ourselves and others.

The April A-Z blogging challenge is upon us, and as I pondered the endless possibilities of things  about which I would like to write, I have settled upon this: AUTHENTICITY. 

During the month of April, I will be exploring aspects of my true self. It is my hope that you will feel encouraged to live your authentic life as I try to pinpoint who I am today, and who I am becoming. 

Gregory L. Jantz, Ph. D., offered these four tips to be a more authentic person in a recent article in Psychology Today.

1. Be keenly self-aware.

2. Find genuine connections.

3. Don't be perfect.

4. Be present.

I've been thinking about authenticity a lot lately. What if the fear of not being enough, and the fear of being too much are the same thing; the fear of being ourselves? What if rather than pursuing perfection, we aimed for living authentically instead?

Historically, I struggled to be authentic. My fears ran deep; I was afraid I could never be enough, and the flip side of that; I was afraid I was just too much. I thought people would love me more if I were like them; if I did the things they did, liked the things they liked, and avoided the things they didn't. I lived my life as a chameleon, trying to blend into whatever environment I was in, laughing at jokes I didn't understand, wearing outfits that helped me camouflage myself within a group, trying activities even if they made me uncomfortable, and attempting to fade into the background, making sure I did not make waves, incite confrontation, or reveal parts of myself I feared would be rejected or ridiculed.

Lately, I have come to understand that people would rather know who I am, and what I believe, rather than just be acquainted with a shell of the woman I am. When I have taken the time, and made the effort to be vulnerable, revealing the truth of who I am, even if that truth is embarrassing, or not particularly pretty, people realize they can trust me with their their own truth. 

As I have gotten older, I have become more comfortable with owning who I am. There are times when I scrutinize my life and my choices with a microscope. I am learning what makes me truly happy, and I now know when I am feeling uncomfortable, it is usually because I have important lessons to learn about life and myself. At those times of spiritual and emotional growth, I am trying to be more intentional about responding authentically. "What would Denise do?"

Throughout my life, I have been blessed with some beautiful connections to other humans. Initially, my connections were with my parents and siblings, and childhood friends. As an adult, I met college roommates, and after I was married, I met three of the most amazing human beings I have ever known; my three children. I struggled with intimate relationships, trying to be someone I wasn't for people who never really knew the real me. 

Once I met Chuck, I felt safe enough to be myself. He has encouraged me to continue to make connections. Thanks to him my family grew to include three more sons, and two more beautiful daughters-in-law. My tribe has grown to include some of the smartest, most compassionate, loving girlfriends I could ever hope to know. All of these people have had opportunities to know who I really am, and even though I am deeply flawed, they still seem to love me.

Most of my life, I strived to be the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect wife, the perfect mother. I hope I won't shock anyone with this truth I learned very, very late in life: Perfection is impossible; it is a myth. By trying to act perfectly, and attempting to anticipate the needs of my family and friends, I was being so far from authentic; I was being disingenuous. 

One thing that writing my blog has taught me is that the more I embrace my imperfections, and dare to be vulnerable, the more people respond to that with compassion and concern.

The Power of Now

Ever since I read Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now, I have strived to be more present in my daily life. That book made such an impact on me, and I still rely on the concept of dwelling in the present moment, even when I am going through trials, or experiencing discomfort in a particular situation. I still struggle to focus during intense conversations to remain present, but I am working on that. 

The advice of Gregory L. Jantz, Ph. D. is something I want to remember:

"Try to be more present in your conversations and relationships. Be an active listener, and give people your full attention. Mastering the art of presence perhaps is the single most effective way to ensure authenticity in any situation."

Photo Credit: Chuck Bennorth

My journey to authenticity may look very different from yours. I think there is much we can learn from each other, as we strive to become the best versions of ourselves. We can embrace our similarities, and celebrate our differences. One of the most liberating things about getting older is that what others think of me has lost its importance. I'm learning that how I treat others is the most important thing of all. 

Love, Laughter, and Happily Ever After

Meet my youngest, Bridger, and his sweetheart, Joscelyne. It was my privilege to take their pictures for their wedding announcement.

Even though I swore I would never put my watermark on some of these engagement photos because they were just too silly, I wanted to share them because the pictures show there is something special about the love and laughter shared between these two.

That this post even exists speaks volumes about my future daughter-in-law. Joscelyne is an amazing woman who is creative, and smart, and oh, so funny. She is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. Josce loves to laugh, and she makes my boy so happy.

Joscelyne and Bridger's engagement session was one of the most fun photo shoots I've ever done. I was nervous to be doing these important photos without my partner and husband, but the kids made me forget my nerves once we started shooting.

These are the photos that won't make the "save the date" notice. They won't be featured on the wedding announcement, and they won't be saved in a special scrapbook. What they are is evidence of a young couple in love, who take their relationship seriously, but know it's important to laugh and have fun.

Take a peek at their pictures, and you'll see for yourself. They have something special between them. I couldn't be happier about their upcoming marriage, and we welcome Joscelyne into our family.

"If he makes you laugh, kisses your forehead, says he’s sorry, makes an effort, holds your hand, works hard, attempts to understand you… then believe it or not, he’s quite perfect." 

– Unknown  

"One of the best feelings in the world is when you’re hugging a person you love really tight and they hug you back even tighter." - Unknown

"All you need in the world is love and laughter. That's all anybody needs. To have love in one hand and laughter in the other."  -August Wilson

“Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that’s a real treat.” - Joanne Woodward

"May this marriage be full of laughter, our every day in paradise."  -Rumi

Knick Knack Paddy Whack

The kitchen in our cozy cottage in Utah.

Confession: I love knick-knacks; kitschy home decor items are a weakness of mine. The hard truth is as much as I love collecting fun little odds and ends to display in our home, we just won't have much space when Chuck retires, and we have to downsize.

Back in the day I collected Mary Engelbreit wall art, trinkets, and books. I had collections of snowmen and Santas. My Christmas decor filled seven large tote boxes. 

One of my favorite hobbies was scouring little shops like The Wooden Nickel and My Checkered Past for cutesy collectibles. My all-time favorite places to score darling decorations were thrift shops. Bargain prices appeal to my penny-pinching personality.

The thing is, when you have lots of kitschy shtuff, you have to have lots of shelves and tables. And when you have lots of bric a brac on lots of horizontal surfaces, dusting becomes a royal pain in the butt. Housekeeping has never been my strong suit, so my festive decor had a tendency to get a little dusty during each holiday season.

You never really realize just how much stuff you've accumulated until you have to move. Moving helps you determine just what is worth taking with you, and what really isn't worth keeping.

How many times have I had to move, and had to pare down my belongings in the last ten years? Um, that would be five times. In each of those five moves, I had to take a firm stand, and part with the possessions I'd accumulated. Yes, some of my lesser objets d'art had to go. 

My 900 square foot house in Joseph is no spacious villa, but it has been a refuge to me in the past, and will be our retirement home one day. If an item doesn’t serve a purpose, or have sentimental value, or bring me absolute joy, it doesn’t get to stay in my life because I know Chuck and I will be moving back to the cozy cottage one day. And I refuse to burden our kids with cleaning out a hoarder’s house when that time comes. 

Minimal living has so many advantages. Less possessions means less to worry about, less to maintain, less to organize, less to lose, and less to manage. Less is definitely more when it comes to stuff. 

One day, my big goal is to live a minimalist lifestyle in a tidy, little home that incorporates HYGGE, the concept that embraces coziness, comfort, and intimacy. Yes, I think it's possible to create a warm and comfy environment without being overrun by my possessions. I know I will want some of my decorations, though, because I am sentimental, and my kids and friends gave me some of those darling gifts. Sometimes it is hard to remember what my long-term goals are when I am in the thick of things, though. 

Just a couple days ago, I drove to the local thrift shop to drop off a very heavy box of knick-knacks and dishes we no longer needed. Since thrifting is one of my favorite past-times, I decided to browse the store, since I was there and all. 

My eyes went wide when I spied some darling Easter decorations. Yes, I want to live minimally, but I also want to be the grandma who decorates for every holiday, and has a house her grandchildren will love to visit. How quickly keeping the end game in mind can disappear. Only six dollars for a pair of the cutest Easter bunnies, but since I am a tightwad, I realized that was probably still a lot of money for some used decor. Then my eyes lit upon a darling little rabbit for only 50 cents. 

“Denise! Stop it. Seriously, you just dropped off a bunch of crap. Are you going to want to pack up a bunch of knick-knacks in a few years when you move to Utah? NO. You’re supposed to be purging your life of unnecessary items, not gathering and collecting more junk.”

Sierra calls me Mama Llama. It was hard to pass this up.

Lately I have taken to snapping pictures of merchandise I love, and it allows me to visually enjoy the items without buying them. I still buy stuff, of course, like photography equipment, seasonal clothes, and dogs, but I'm proud to say I save money when I can by buying used lenses, thrift shop clothing, and rescued dogs. 

My dream home is small, cozy, organized, and paid for.

Nowadays when I think of things I would like to buy, I often have to ask myself if it will end up in a yard sale or thrift store one day. Most of the time, the answer is yes, and it helps me keep my resolve to keeping my possessions to a minimum. 

When I was faced with the cutesy bunnies a few days ago, I snapped some pictures with my cellphone and the darling Easter figurines stayed behind. (If you need the address of the thrift shop in Saint Charles, just let me know. I bet those unbelievably cute bunnies are still there!) I may break my bric-à-brac addiction yet. 

Knick knack paddy whack!

Begin with the End

The kitchen in our cozy cottage in Utah.

Confession: I love knick-knacks; kitschy home decor items are a weakness of mine. The hard truth is as much as I love collecting fun little odds and ends to display in our home, we just won't have much space when Chuck retires, and we have to downsize.

Back in the day I collected Mary Engelbreit wall art, trinkets, and books. I had collections of snowmen and Santas. My Christmas decor filled seven large tote boxes. 

One of my favorite hobbies was scouring little shops like The Wooden Nickel and My Checkered Past for cutesy collectibles. My all-time favorite places to score darling decorations were thrift shops. Bargain prices appeal to my penny-pinching personality.

The thing is, when you have lots of kitschy shtuff, you have to have lots of shelves and tables. And when you have lots of bric a brac on lots of horizontal surfaces, dusting becomes a royal pain in the butt. Housekeeping has never been my strong suit, so my festive decor had a tendency to get a little dusty during each holiday season.

You never really realize just how much stuff you've accumulated until you have to move. Moving helps you determine just what is worth taking with you, and what really isn't worth keeping.

How many times have I had to move, and had to pare down my belongings in the last ten years? Um, that would be five times. In each of those five moves, I had to take a firm stand, and part with the possessions I'd accumulated. Yes, some of my lesser objets d'art had to go. 

My 900 square foot house in Joseph is no spacious villa, but it has been a refuge to me in the past, and will be our retirement home one day. If an item doesn’t serve a purpose, or have sentimental value, or bring me absolute joy, it doesn’t get to stay in my life because I know Chuck and I will be moving back to the cozy cottage one day. And I refuse to burden our kids with cleaning out a hoarder’s house when that time comes. 

Minimal living has so many advantages. Less possessions means less to worry about, less to maintain, less to organize, less to lose, and less to manage. Less is definitely more when it comes to stuff. 

One day, my big goal is to live a minimalist lifestyle in a tidy, little home that incorporates HYGGE, the concept that embraces coziness, comfort, and intimacy. Yes, I think it's possible to create a warm and comfy environment without being overrun by my possessions. I know I will want some of my decorations, though, because I am sentimental, and my kids and friends gave me some of those darling gifts. Sometimes it is hard to remember what my long-term goals are when I am in the thick of things, though. 

Just a couple days ago, I drove to the local thrift shop to drop off a very heavy box of knick-knacks and dishes we no longer needed. Since thrifting is one of my favorite past-times, I decided to browse the store, since I was there and all. 

My eyes went wide when I spied some darling Easter decorations. Yes, I want to live minimally, but I also want to be the grandma who decorates for every holiday, and has a house her grandchildren will love to visit. How quickly keeping the end game in mind can disappear. Only six dollars for a pair of the cutest Easter bunnies, but since I am a tightwad, I realized that was probably still a lot of money for some used decor. Then my eyes lit upon a darling little rabbit for only 50 cents. 

“Denise! Stop it. Seriously, you just dropped off a bunch of crap. Are you going to want to pack up a bunch of knick-knacks in a few years when you move to Utah? NO. You’re supposed to be purging your life of unnecessary items, not gathering and collecting more junk.”

Sierra calls me Mama Llama. It was hard to pass this up.

Lately I have taken to snapping pictures of merchandise I love, and it allows me to visually enjoy the items without buying them. I still buy stuff, of course, like photography equipment, seasonal clothes, and dogs, but I'm proud to say I save money when I can by buying used lenses, thrift shop clothing, and rescued dogs. 

My dream home is small, cozy, organized, and paid for.

Nowadays when I think of things I would like to buy, I often have to ask myself if it will end up in a yard sale or thrift store one day. Most of the time, the answer is yes, and it helps me keep my resolve to keeping my possessions to a minimum. 

When I was faced with the cutesy bunnies a few days ago, I snapped some pictures with my cellphone and the darling Easter figurines stayed behind. (If you need the address of the thrift shop in Saint Charles, just let me know. I bet those unbelievably cute bunnies are still there!) I may break my bric-à-brac addiction yet. 

Knick knack paddy whack!

No More Rear View Mirror Living

Miracle Morning #4

This girl has never needed an alarm clock; thanks to insomnia. Part of my daily routine this week includes setting an alarm for 4:00, just in case. Imagine my surprise at waking to the ringtone on my phone, after sleeping eight hours. That’s a miracle, in and of itself. 

If you knew how many mornings I was grateful to have slept past 2:30, you would realize what a gift that sleep was to me. By 4:05, I was on the couch, drinking my water, spending a few minutes in silence, making Sami and Bristol wait until I was ready to change gears. They joined me in the living room while I focused on my affirmations and visualizations. I heard Chuck stirring, as I was wrapping up my reading from Job in the Bible. 

By 4:50, all four of us were out the door, getting in a 20 minute brisk walk before breakfast. We enjoyed some quiet time in the family room, while Chuck read the Bible, and I re-read The Miracle Morning. My very own copy arrived yesterday, and today I enjoyed reading with my highlighter. There is something so cool about owning my own book, and being able to mark it up. 

Today I read Chapter 3: The 95% Reality Check, which investigates why 95% of our society settles for less; so many people settle for a life of mediocrity. The concept of “rear view mirror syndrome” struck me as one of my issues. 

Hal Elrod wrote: 

“When presented with adversity, we go back to our trusty rearview mirror for guidance on how to respond. ‘Yep, just my luck. This crap always happens to me. I’m just going to give up; that’s what I’ve always done when things get too difficult.’”

How many times have I started a new fitness plan, energized at first by the possibilities, and then, as soon as I hit a bump in the road, I resorted to my bad habit of numbing myself from any negative feelings I was experiencing by eating myself into oblivion. Then, regret would sweep over me, and I would convince myself I just wasn’t cut out for living a life of moderation. 

Lies. So many lies I have told myself over the years. 

There was a time when I didn’t believe the lies. Of course, I had to hit my own rock bottom before I was willing to consider that I could do anything to which I committed myself. Back in the early 2000’s, I was seriously overweight. I kept telling myself I needed to lose the baby weight after giving birth to my third child, but I was kidding myself, thinking it was baby weight. 

That little boy was three years old the day we were going to the pool, and I had stuffed myself into my matronly one-piece swimsuit. He was standing on the king-size bed which allowed him to pat his little hands on my back. 

“Mama, your back has boobs, too,” he announced. Oh, lordy. How had I let myself go so far? That was my rock bottom moment. 

Thanks to my brother Eric, and Bridger's innocent, but painful comment, I began lifting weights, doing cardio, and eating clean six out of seven days a week. My brother and I were both following Bill Phillips’ plan in his book Body for Life. That was a game changer for me. One of my favorite parts of the program was choosing three people each day to lift and encourage. Living a life of service became an essential part of my life. 

Now it’s 2018, 18 years later. It took me three years to lose 80 pounds. When I started shopping for size 4 clothes, I realized I had lost too much weight, and found that I was most comfortable, and felt stronger, when I was between a size 6 and 8. I maintained my healthier weight for about nine or ten years, and then I began to struggle again. Recently, I found myself precariously close to my obese self.

Right before the holidays of 2017, I knew I had to recommit myself to healthier living. I signed up for Beach Body on Demand, and joined a challenge group. I lost 10 pounds during the holidays, then struggled to keep the momentum going after the new year, and finally I was able to jump back into eating healthier and working out.

Right now, I’ve lost a total of 15 pounds since November. I am committing to living The Miracle Morning lifestyle, and am so excited to be on my way to living my best life, in so many areas of my life. 

My daughter, some of my former students, and several of my girlfriends just started reading the Miracle Morning book. They are feeling energized, and are committing themselves to living up to their potential.

Is anyone else out there trying this? Each day really feels like such a gift. I hope you will check it out, if you are interested in saying goodbye to bad habits, and want to get the most out of every day. You can download two chapters of the book, and many motivational resources HERE to get you started. 

A Miracle Midnight

My Miracle Morning started just after midnight this morning. I figured I might as well put my insomnia to good use while I waited for my meds to kick in, since I had forgotten to take them at bedtime.

What a great idea, right?

So there I was in the middle of the night, still in bed, practicing silence, offering a few prayers for sleep, and some expressions of gratitude. I reviewed my affirmations and visualizations, and then I read about Job in the Bible for about 10 minutes. By then, I was feeling sleepy, and headed off to dreamland. I vaguely remember dreaming about Daddy; how I wish I could retrieve the details because I woke up feeling happy.

Yesterday a friend and I talked about the overwhelming feelings we get when we look too far into the future. For her, it is knowing a loved one would not be recovered enough from surgery to walk until mid-summer. For me, it is realizing it is going to take months of work outs and clean eating before I can reclaim my smaller clothes from the guest room closet. Mid-summer was looking so far away for both of us.

We agreed that if we can focus on this moment in time, and live each day fully as it comes, we will both feel better. It's not always easy to do, but it nearly always improves my attitude to break a big goal down into manageable chunks.

This morning, after Chuck headed to work, I walked Bristol and Sami for 20 minutes, and then I had a healthy breakfast of spinach and eggs.

How does that much spinach shrink down to a small portion of veggies in
my skillet?

You've heard about eating frogs early in the day so the rest of the day just gets better from there? I decided to EAT MY FROG right after breakfast this morning, which was deep-cleaning my little bathroom. I pulled EVERYTHING out of the cabinets and drawers while my breakfast cooled. As soon as I finished eating, I cleaned, purged, and organized. To make my frog a little sweeter, I listened to some motivational podcasts. The time seemed to fly by, and I am so glad I got that out of the way!

By 7:30, I was feeling pretty accomplished, but I decided to empty a kitchen cabinet, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to tolerate seeing that mess on my countertops for long, and then all of my canned goods will be organized with just a few more moments of work.

This day is off to a great start. Now that I've done my "scribing," thanks to my blog, I'm off to work out with a Beach Body video. My miracle midnight led to a miracle morning, which is giving way to a miracle day. If you're interested in learning more about my experience with Life S.A.V.E.R.S or about The Miracle Morning, click on the links in this post.

My Miracle Morning

Just when my PERSISTENCE was slipping, I heard about Hal Elrod's book, The Miracle Morning. I couldn't wait to read it, and I devoured the whole thing in less than 24 hours. Who wouldn't want to learn about being our best, authentic selves by committing to simple, daily habits that can be completed before eight o'clock in the morning? 

Ask Chuck; I love browsing the self-help and personal development books on Amazon and at Barnes and Noble. This book is right up my alley. Maybe you would like it, too.

You know I'm already a morning person (thank you, insomnia), but Elrod's advice applies to my friends and family who are night owls, too. 

Hal says he was not a morning person, either, but he became one after making two incredible comebacks; one after a horrific accident left him in a coma, and then later, after hitting rock-bottom; financially, emotionally, and spiritually. Over time, he developed a morning routine that changed not only his life, but many others' lives, too.

Are you living the life you imagined for yourself? Are you interested in becoming your best self? Do you want to feel more confident and happy? Are you trying to figure out what you want to do with "your one wild and precious life?" Is living life to its fullest appealing to you?

Hal Elrod's tips are not a secret; just Google "Miracle Morning," and your search will lead you to all sorts of resources to experience a Miracle Morning for yourself. Many of them are free, offered by the website in the link above. I didn't even pay for my book; I borrowed it from our library's online site.

The mnemonic device for the Miracle Morning routine is Life S.A.V.E.R.S. By getting up one hour earlier, and spending that time on these six tasks, we can all start our day feeling energized and more confident. By taking this time for personal development, we can discover our passions, and set specific goals for what we hope to be and do.

S is for SILENCE.

A is for AFFIRMATIONS.

V is for VISUALIZATION.

E is for EXERCISE.

R is for READ.

S is for SCRIBING. (Most of us call this task WRITING, but Hal says a word that starts with W wouldn't work with the mnemonic.)

"See things as you would have them be, instead of how they are." -Robert Collier

Canva.com is my go-to site for making graphics, and I wanted to create visual reminders of my morning routine, and a vision board of what living my best life would look like. I found pictures from a time when I was taking care of myself, eating clean most of the time, lifting weights, and doing cardio. It wasn't just about losing weight then. Of course, I set specific fitness goals, but encouraged by Bill Phillips, I also set goals to serve others. Each day I set an intention to help three people with support and encouragement. My goals is to bring together the best parts of who I used to be, and who I am becoming. 

As I approach the end of my fifties, I know if I commit to living my best life, I will feel better, and look better. I am not striving for perfection; just authenticity. I'm looking forward to turning sixty. My life is just getting better and better.

Let me know if you check out The Miracle Morning. I'd love to know I have friends and family who are walking the same road I am. I will be re-reading the book these next few days, taking my time to let all of this good information sink in, and make a difference in my morning, and in my life.