Authenticity

You and I may be very different in our aspirations, hopes, and beliefs, but I think our differences are what make us interesting and unique. When we respectfully share our thoughts with each other, it can help us solidify our own beliefs, while deepening our understanding of ourselves and others.

The April A-Z blogging challenge is upon us, and as I pondered the endless possibilities of things  about which I would like to write, I have settled upon this: AUTHENTICITY. 

During the month of April, I will be exploring aspects of my true self. It is my hope that you will feel encouraged to live your authentic life as I try to pinpoint who I am today, and who I am becoming. 

Gregory L. Jantz, Ph. D., offered these four tips to be a more authentic person in a recent article in Psychology Today.

1. Be keenly self-aware.

2. Find genuine connections.

3. Don't be perfect.

4. Be present.

I've been thinking about authenticity a lot lately. What if the fear of not being enough, and the fear of being too much are the same thing; the fear of being ourselves? What if rather than pursuing perfection, we aimed for living authentically instead?

Historically, I struggled to be authentic. My fears ran deep; I was afraid I could never be enough, and the flip side of that; I was afraid I was just too much. I thought people would love me more if I were like them; if I did the things they did, liked the things they liked, and avoided the things they didn't. I lived my life as a chameleon, trying to blend into whatever environment I was in, laughing at jokes I didn't understand, wearing outfits that helped me camouflage myself within a group, trying activities even if they made me uncomfortable, and attempting to fade into the background, making sure I did not make waves, incite confrontation, or reveal parts of myself I feared would be rejected or ridiculed.

Lately, I have come to understand that people would rather know who I am, and what I believe, rather than just be acquainted with a shell of the woman I am. When I have taken the time, and made the effort to be vulnerable, revealing the truth of who I am, even if that truth is embarrassing, or not particularly pretty, people realize they can trust me with their their own truth. 

As I have gotten older, I have become more comfortable with owning who I am. There are times when I scrutinize my life and my choices with a microscope. I am learning what makes me truly happy, and I now know when I am feeling uncomfortable, it is usually because I have important lessons to learn about life and myself. At those times of spiritual and emotional growth, I am trying to be more intentional about responding authentically. "What would Denise do?"

Throughout my life, I have been blessed with some beautiful connections to other humans. Initially, my connections were with my parents and siblings, and childhood friends. As an adult, I met college roommates, and after I was married, I met three of the most amazing human beings I have ever known; my three children. I struggled with intimate relationships, trying to be someone I wasn't for people who never really knew the real me. 

Once I met Chuck, I felt safe enough to be myself. He has encouraged me to continue to make connections. Thanks to him my family grew to include three more sons, and two more beautiful daughters-in-law. My tribe has grown to include some of the smartest, most compassionate, loving girlfriends I could ever hope to know. All of these people have had opportunities to know who I really am, and even though I am deeply flawed, they still seem to love me.

Most of my life, I strived to be the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect wife, the perfect mother. I hope I won't shock anyone with this truth I learned very, very late in life: Perfection is impossible; it is a myth. By trying to act perfectly, and attempting to anticipate the needs of my family and friends, I was being so far from authentic; I was being disingenuous. 

One thing that writing my blog has taught me is that the more I embrace my imperfections, and dare to be vulnerable, the more people respond to that with compassion and concern.

The Power of Now

Ever since I read Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now, I have strived to be more present in my daily life. That book made such an impact on me, and I still rely on the concept of dwelling in the present moment, even when I am going through trials, or experiencing discomfort in a particular situation. I still struggle to focus during intense conversations to remain present, but I am working on that. 

The advice of Gregory L. Jantz, Ph. D. is something I want to remember:

"Try to be more present in your conversations and relationships. Be an active listener, and give people your full attention. Mastering the art of presence perhaps is the single most effective way to ensure authenticity in any situation."

Photo Credit: Chuck Bennorth

My journey to authenticity may look very different from yours. I think there is much we can learn from each other, as we strive to become the best versions of ourselves. We can embrace our similarities, and celebrate our differences. One of the most liberating things about getting older is that what others think of me has lost its importance. I'm learning that how I treat others is the most important thing of all.