Seeking Joy

Happy-happy-joy-joy! Isn't that what this season is all about? What if you're just not feeling it? I don't know about you, but I start feeling so guilty if I'm not feeling joyful and happy, or at least content and serene. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, you might be having a little guilt yourself about not getting the most out of the upcoming holidays. What can we do about it?

There have been times I've been so hell-bent on feeling joy, that I run myself ragged in pursuit of a feeling that just isn't to be found on certain days. I am learning that joy, like peace, isn't something we can grab and hold tightly. Those good feelings come to us in time, but sometimes we have to be patient.

The dogs sensed I was having one of those days, and they were low-key right along with me until early afternoon. They slept on the couch, and then joined me on the bed, sleeping for a total of five and a half hours, waking only to bark in response to a truck's squealing breaks in the cul de sac. 

Bristol and Sami are outside now, and I have resolved to eat a healthy lunch, take a bath, and have another go at this gorgeous late-autumn day. While the pups are getting some fresh air, I am taking a little time to process what is going on in my heart and head today.

When I woke up, I sensed that something was off. I had a headache, and what felt like the beginnings of a sinus infection, but there was something else. I had zero energy, but I put on my workout clothes because they say if you dress for success, you'll act accordingly. I did manage to empty the dishwasher and make Chuck's simple breakfast, but I'm still lounging around in my crazy orange leggings, tank top, and a pullover and it is well after noon. The workout never happened. I guess "they" were wrong, about me anyway. Maybe later, huh?

By 7:30 AM, puppies had settled on the two couches in the family room in front of the Christmas tree. I wanted to feel better; I really did. I took Tylenol, and drank coffee for my headache. I read and I prayed. Heck, I even tried using some essential oils; what could it hurt?

When my eyes fell upon a small pile of my favorite ornaments I had saved for later, I decided to surprise Chuck by getting that done, and listened to some instrumental Christmas music while I decorated. Maybe I could "fake it 'til I make it."

Each ornament made me think of Christmases past; holidays with my children when they were little, and times with Chuck since we married three years ago. How I have always loved Christmas. 

My mood started to lift a little, but my energy did not improve, so I continued to rest with the puppies. Chuck had asked me to edit some head shots he did last night, and seeing as how that task only involves moving my hands a couple of inches in any direction to move the mouse on my computer, I readily agreed to get that done. It would feel good to accomplish something; anything really.

Even though I wasn't sure what was going on with me today, I decided to honor the feelings, and not turn to my old habits. In the past, I would have denied feeling anything but fine, or I would have eaten and eaten and eaten until the bad feelings were numbed by the fullness I felt. 

Throughout the day, I've tried to pinpoint the source of these feelings I'm having. Was I getting sick? I didn't have a fever. Was I feeling guilt from making poor eating choices yesterday? It was only one day; my rational brain knows one day isn't going to make or break anything in the long run, but where is my rational brain when I need it? Was I sad that we left Utah Saturday, and I knew how much I was going to miss my kids at Christmas? No, mostly I just feel happiness in my heart for all of the good times we just spent with the kids. I don't think this is anticipatory sadness. 

Early this morning, my friend Sharmel reminded me I don't have to be "on" every single day. That was pretty revelatory. Don't misunderstand; it's not that I manage to present my best self every day, it's just that I feel such guilt when I don't. Today, I decided I'd just go with this off-ness, and rest. There is no one I have to impress anyway; I am not sure where all my guilt comes from.

Do you know what? Sometimes I just think I get blindsided by the blues, and there is no explanation for them. I guess that is one of the reasons I'm on antidepressants. We don't always have to have reasons for sadness, or lower energy levels, or slipping into a funk. It is what it is. I'm glad I just rode it out today, and that I had the luxury of resting until I could get myself together. 

So here it is, after two in the afternoon. I've finally had my bath. I've eaten nourishing food today, but if that is to continue, I really must go to the grocery store in a bit. 

If you experience depression, or seasonal affective disorder, or are perhaps just having a really crummy day, I hope things get better for you. I hope you will hang in there, and be kind to yourself. I hope you have people close to you who will love and support you through days like today. I hope there are times during the coming days that you feel surrounded by joy and peace.