Desperate Times

My goal was to lose 30 pounds this year.  I joke that only 40 more to go before Christmas, and I will have made my goal. We all know that ain't happening any time soon.

How appreciative I am of closely cropped photos that focus on my smile, and ignore my tight clothes.
Photo credit: Chad Britt

Who was I kidding to think I could lose the weight I'd been gaining this year?  I did some crazy things in my attempt. One of the craziest was the Bulletproof Diet I tried last summer, but that only lasted about two weeks. 

Not a picture I'm necessarily proud of, but as you can see from the smile, I was still
happy. Taking pictures at the Ren faire is one of my favorite things to do. I was just
hoping this "BEFORE" picture would be able to show how far I was going to have
come after I lost my extra weight.  (Photo credit: Brian Berg)

The diet I followed is a secret I kept from you. I was so excited that maybe I had found the Holy Grail of weight loss, but I only told four people what I was doing. I was going to surprise you all with my amazing results, and you were going to be so happy for me, and proud of my accomplishments. If only.

Mixed feelings kept me from talking to others about my plan. I wasn't exactly proud of myself, but I was hopeful that this time, things would be different. You see, I tried the Bulletproof coffee diet. I'm not going to go into a lot of details, but suffice it to say I started my day with a couple of cups of coffee with butter blended in it, and ate two meals between noon and six.

Why would I fall for such an extreme plan? Well, you see, just a couple weeks earlier, I had told my daughter how exhausted I was, not being able to sleep. Then she shared a podcast with me from an author who promised amazing results with his approach; improved mental alertness, no cravings, quality sleep, and yes, amazing weight loss. I went to the library that day, and checked out the book. I reminded myself, "Desperate times call for desperate measures."

For two and a half weeks, I drank my coffee, ate my two meals, and drank a cup of buttery tea before bed. During that two and a half weeks, I actually started sleeping through the night. My thinking still seemed fuzzy, and my thoughts still felt disjointed, and I did NOT lose nearly a pound a day. The only plus was I was so grateful my insomnia seemed to be going away.

This summer, I hated that my beautiful Renaissance costume made by Susan Blanchard had
gotten too small, but I wore it anyway. Desperate to change the way my clothes fit, I tried a crazy eating plan
that backfired on me. (Photo credit: Trisha Wagner)

An unsettling thing happened two weekends in a row; I experienced very uncomfortable symptoms that I had to assume were dehydration while we were at the Bristol Renaissance faire. I felt dizzy. I couldn't think clearly enough to answer simple questions. Both times, when Chuck suggested we get me some help, I started to cry. 

When we walked up the hill toward food and water, my steps were uncertain, and I wasn't sure I would be able to make it on my own power. My friend Vicki from security chided me for not eating, and I promised I would drink more, and stop my drastic measures to lose weight. Chuck, too, made me promise I would not live on coffee and grain-fed butter, and that I would eat real food again.

I'm not even going to try to explain the Bulletproof program because I will sound crazy. When Dave Asprey explains it, he sounds all science-y and smart. One of my friends had enjoyed the eating plan, and had gotten the results she wants, but when I thought about what it was doing to me, I realized it was not good for me.

So it wasn't for a lack of trying that I wasn't losing weight this year. Before the Bulletproof fiasco, I tried counting macros. I obsessed about keeping my carbs, fats, and proteins in the specified ranges. And before the macros, I tried My Fitness Pal app, keeping track of my walking and eating. 

While I watched "My Fitness Pals'" weight numbers go down on the app, I watched my own hover, and then, HORRORS, the numbers started going up. Why would they go up, you might wonder. 

Well, when I'm calorie counting, I don't have any problem trading healthy food calories for junk food calories. I was hungry all the time because it's hard for junk food to nourish my body, and satisfy my true hunger. So I would go through periods of "healthy eating," and then go overboard with a binge. This whole thing is such a mind game for me; it always has been. To say I felt defeated is an understatement. 

For the last several months, I've been keeping track of my neighbor on Facebook with great interest. Katie has been losing weight and getting stronger. I secretly suspect her lost pounds have been walking down the sidewalk to my house, and finding a new home with me. She posts pictures of her workouts, her meal planning, and her before and after pics. She is having great success with portion control and working out 5-6 times a week.

When I lamented about my weight gain to my family, my little brother commiserated with me.

"Exercise is a tricky thing...it's the age of contradiction. You need to exercise more as you get older...but you have less energy and more aches. My opinion? If you aren't hungry, you're doing it wrong."

You know; I am not sure I've ever really experienced hunger for any length of time. I eat so often out of boredom; my body doesn't have a chance to get hungry. EVER. Those people who say, "I got so busy, I forgot to eat." WHAT? Who does that? Good lands, food is the one thing on my mind all day long. 

Beach Body on Demand workouts and the Portion Fix containers are helping me move toward
a healthier lifestyle. There is nothing extreme about this approach. I'm eating more calories
 than ever (1800-2100), and they are nutrient-dense calories. I love that I don't have to think
about calories now; I just fill up my containers, and hope I can finish them all before bedtime.

So this week, my neighbor Katie became my online coach. I now subscribe to Beach Body on Demand workout videos so that I have no excuses to avoid exercise when the bad weather hits. Using the 21 Day Fix plan, I have a collection of containers to help me measure out my food, and they help me with portion control. No food is off limits. I am eating carbs, fats, proteins, nut butters, and cheese. My online group of friends includes three of my neighbors, and we support one another in our efforts. 

My Luau personal pan pizza: barbecue chicken, spinach, pineapple, and cheese pizza. I forgot to add my peppers! Next time!

When I think about eating, I'm so happy that I can have foods I like; yogurt, peanut butter, chocolate protein shakes, bread, blueberries, apples, bananas, wraps, whole grain waffles, roasted cauliflower, butternut squash soup, and cottage cheese. I've eaten yummy chicken enchiladas and homemade pizzas made with wraps. When we went to a party a couple weeks ago, I ate two cookies, and just got right back to healthier eating the next day. No guilt; no remorse about a perceived setback. I just kept going.

Each night this week, I have gone to bed full, and somehow still have uneaten food from my plan. I'm eating lots more vegetables, whole grain carbs, and more fats. There is not room in my tummy for binge eating. I am full. 

(I know. I am confused, too.)

This is my third week on the program, and when Chuck and I went to the theater this weekend, I wore my red sweater dress, and felt great. Sunday, I discovered a pair of jeans that I just knew would never get past my hips, but I not only was able to zip them up, they actually felt great and looked okay!

Have I lost a ton of weight? Nope, but I've lost six pounds, and two inches from my waist. For those of you who are annoyed with the whole diet/weight loss fixation, I understand. This is something I am doing for me. You do you; I'll do me. We're all just doing the best we can with what we know.

Arthritis has been my constant companion for a few years now. When I am eating healthy, and keep my weight at a level that is healthy for me (not skinny, but not "off-the-charts" heavy for my frame), my joints thank me by not screaming in pain. My knees already have more range of motion, thanks to yoga and working out regularly.

Please just wish me well. I'll keep working on the emotional issues that have driven me to binge eating by recognizing what I'm feeling, and being willing to be vulnerable enough to talk about it. I'll keep practicing good self-care habits, like exercising, eating healthy food, and reading uplifting articles and books. I'll try to focus on loving myself where I am, and loving myself enough to keep pushing forward to a healthier lifestyle. Finally, the desperate feelings are disappearing, and they are being replaced by a sense of hope and calm.