Ancient Chinese Secret, Huh? Master Lu Is a Good Salesman

When I walked in, I just wanted to hug Master Lu when I told him my shoulder was all better! I had taken a "stab" at ACUPUNCTURE the previous visit, and it had gone unexpectedly well. 

Master Lu was sitting at his desk and it would have been slightly awkward, though, for me to hug him, so I just thanked him profusely. He seemed pleased, if, by nodding one's head, and showing me to the treatment room, one can seem pleased.  

"Why you not come to Tai Chi?" he asked as he began inserting needles. I had wanted to; I really did, but I had forgotten until the class was half over. I reminded him that I wanted him to continue the acupuncture for appetite control and weight loss. Hey, it's worth a shot, and he doesn't charge extra for that needle by my ear.

"You need exercise."

"Like Tai Chi?" I asked.

"Yes. Tai Chi."

Of course, I do. He's a very persuasive salesman. He inserted the needles, and left me with his curt parting comment:  "Rerax."

This time I brought my iPod with me. The time creeps by at a snail's pace in there, so I thought it would be more tolerable if I listened to some of my favorite music. Maroon 5 and Tje Martin made me feel happy as I lay there staring at the faded blue carpet through the horseshoe face pillow. There were still pink tabs from used acupuncture needles on the floor. I wondered if they were the same ones I stared at last week.

I decided to try to take some pictures of the needles in my back. THAT is easier said than done, and I'm not sure he would approve of my "reraxation" technique. I took about twenty pictures with my cell phone, holding the phone up over my shoulder, trying to take pictures of my back and ear. Only five of the pictures were even slightly close to where the needles were placed.  I am just no good at selfies.

I simply wanted to show you how TINY the needles are, in case anyone thinks acupuncture is painful. I assure you; it's NOT.

In no time at all, it seemed, he turned on the light, and he started removing the needles.  

"Get up," he told me. He's not one for much conversation, until it's time to go, that is, and then the salesman in him pours it on thick.

I paid him for my visit, and then he asked if I'd thought about the product he sells in his office that promotes circulation for pain relief and healing. I'm sure I just had a dumb look on my face.  I'm not sold on it, even though he assures me, "It promising." Um, no, thanks. He explained further, "You retired. You still make money. Every month. No work. Just money. Multi-revel." Now I was certain. NO, thanks. I'm just not a pyramid scheme kind of gal.

He held up the bottle of Chinese herbs he had shown me last week for weight loss. I could feel myself weakening. I tell you; he is very persuasive for someone who is difficult to understand. I suppose I also feel some obligation to support this man who has greatly reduced my pain levels.

"How much did you say that was again?"

I don't want to even tell you how much that bottle of powdered herbs is, but I found the pricing hilarious.

"Eighty 'dorrar' twenty-five cent."  What?  Did he want to charge eighty-ONE dollars, but thought that would sound too pricey, so he tacked on the quarter to make it a LITTLE more, but not as much as $81?  Who knows?

Master Lu grabbed the front of his shirt and some of the skin under it, shook what little tummy he has with his hands, and said, "You lose ber-ry fat. Ten pounds in one month with Chinese herbs." I succumbed. I bought it. I am becoming my mother with every passing day.

Let me explain my line of reasoning. I'd already lost 3 pounds since starting acupuncture treatment. With the added benefits of six Chinese herbs I cannot identify or pronounce, I'll be simply svelte by the time the holidays are in full swing, at this rate. Then I'll just drop in after the New Year, and grab another bottle to take care of any additional poundage that results from the holiday eating frenzy. I'm a woman with a plan; what could possibly go wrong?

Don't answer that.  Let me just dwell in the possibilities for now.

P.S. Five months later, I am beginning again with my still nearly full bottle of herbal tea. It tastes like dirt, and it may not work this time, either, but I want to take advantage of anything that could help me as I attempt a thirty day sugar-free plan with my 16 year-old son. WISH ME LUCK. I'll need it. We come from a long line of sugar addicts.

P.P.S. A year later, I think I can honestly say, I only lost about three pounds using the Chinese herbs. Three pounds, and eighty-one dorrar and 25 cent.

*The Great Pumpkin

"It's going to take me a month to take off this weight I gained over the last few days," I said aloud, after devouring the delectable Pumpkin Ginger Snap Waffles for breakfast.

Why is that the case? Why is it so easy to put on 6-8 pounds over a very short period of time, and so very difficult to lose those pounds over the next several weeks? I know weight loss is based on math: calories in minus calories out. But there should be some mandatory law of physics that includes the variable of time in the equation. If there's not a law like "If you gain five pounds in five days, you can lose five pounds in five days," there should be. I'd like to speak to whomever is in charge, please.

Seriously, about once a month, I watch the bathroom scale hit some pretty high numbers for my body. I like to speak of this tragedy as though it is something the scale does on its own, something over which I have no control. But we all know better.

In the winter, I blame all of the yummy comfort foods: chowders, hearty soups, homemade rolls, holiday goodies. In the spring, it's Cadbury Mini Eggs, deviled eggs, and Easter baskets. In the summer, it's ice cream, frozen yogurt, cookies, and vacation meals on the road. And in the blessed fall, where I find myself wallowing in the comfort foods of autumn, it's pumpkin-flavored everything! And caramel-flavored everything else. We've had pumpkin muffins, pumpkin bread, pumpkin oatmeal, and pumpkin waffles. Today I succumbed to the tempting purchase of Pumpkin Spice Marshmallows.  I don't really like marshmallows, but these are PUMPKIN ones, people!  

How often can one "indulge, just this once" without having to pay the piper? I figured last Monday morning's weigh in would be a terrible comeuppance for Ms. Pumpkin Head.  Guess what! I had only gained three pounds. Not bad, not bad at all. I can take care of that this week.  If only...

If only I hadn't kept trying every single, solitary pumpkin recipe I discovered on Pinterest. I shared the cookies, I promise. I delivered them to a couple of homes.  I probably should have delivered them to MANY houses, and only kept a few cookies at home.  Waffles don't deliver well, and the muffins, well, there were only a DOZEN.  Let's see that's two for my son, and...the rest for me!  As it turns out, THIS Monday's weigh-in was a SHOCKER. Resulting in the quotation at the top of this page.

I would love to blame my weight on a wild hormonal fluctuation, but that probably plays a very small role in what's really going on. There are plenty of people who like the same foods I do who don't consume enough of them to watch their weight roller coaster over any given month. It's time to pack up the perpetual pumpkin chuck wagon, and send it down the trail. It's going to be hard, but it has to be done. If it's true what they say, you are what you eat, I better be careful. I might turn into a very plump and orange Great Pumpkin.