Living a Life of Intention

Observing a moment of silence while breathing deeply can give us just the space we need to focus our attention and our thoughts on being completely present in the moment. Setting aside time for serenity seems like such a good way to start the day, or to start over a day that's not going the way we'd like.  

I am learning about setting an intention. The Buddhist saying is, "When the student is ready, the teacher will come." I am so grateful for some strong women who have shown up in my life just lately. I am so grateful for a teacher and author, a young yoga instructor, and a famous researcher.

It has been my pleasure to attend a book study group on the weeks that I am in our little town with a small group of friends. We are studying Seeking the Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford. Before our class starts, Erin invites us to close our eyes and focus on our breathing as she guides us through a centering exercise. 

We are encouraged to set aside any worries or concerns we may have brought with us, just for the duration of the class, if we're comfortable doing that. We are to clear our minds. 

It only takes a few moments to set an intention, but it always relaxes me, and helps me let go of any troubling thoughts I may have brought with me. I find myself centering myself throughout the day when I feel stressed or anxious.

When Sierra and I attended Lexi's yoga class at the Lakeshore Athletic Club near our hotel in Westminster, Colorado, we spent 90 minutes focusing on our breathing, and being aware of our bodies.  

Before we began class in the expansive, dimly lit room, we set our yoga mats on the wood floors, and listened to the soft sound of meditation bells in the background. Lexi set an intention for us: loving everyone and everything in our lives. Throughout the session, she would remind us of our intention, and she would bring our minds back to the present moment. All day long, I felt gratitude in my heart for getting to spend Sierra's twenty-fourth birthday with her, and for this opportunity to travel to the Denver area to be with my kids. (I am providing a link for Lexi's blog here about Mindfulness in Movement.)  

Watching Oprah's Super Soul Sunday, featuring Brené Brown, has given me a new perspective. Brené begins each day with an intention. Her value is always courage. She reminds herself that because her value is courage, there will be uncomfortable moments throughout the day, but that is okay. I am learning to "lean into the discomfort" so I can learn the lessons that are presented to me, and will continue to be presented to me until I learn the lessons that are there for me.

This morning I set my yoga mat in front of the sliding glass doors facing the eastern sky. The sun was beginning to edge out the darkness. In the background, soft meditation bells helped me slow my breathing. Relaxing into the moment, I stretched out some of the tightness of my still-wakening body. My thoughts turned to courage and love. I set my intention of living in an awareness of love for my family and friends, and I reminded myself that my value is courage. I am learning to welcome each moment as it comes, for the joy and the lessons that are available to me by accepting them. 

*Tai Chi

Slowly imitating the old man from Taiwan,

I lift my arms to the golden dome of leaves

as the sun slips behind the mountain.

The master of Tai Chi, so small and steady,

Holds his pose with balance and strength,

the epitome of meditation in motion.

Canadian geese call to us from overhead;

Children laugh with abandon in the distance.

Surrounded by the golden trees losing their autumn leaves,

We move silently, attempting the moves of the master.

Lost in the moment, embraced by the beauty

of the sky and the trees, 

I discover muscles long since forgotten

as I balance unsteadily on the grassy floor.

My breath brings me back to this moment.

One day, perhaps I will stand on one leg,

poised and strong, and be aware of nothing

beyond this moment.  For now,

I hear the geese, the children, the cars.

I think of concerns, and things to do.

Breathing the cleansing air through my nose,

my thoughts return to this place and time, and

I realize that living in this moment is all there is.

What's the Plan, Stan? Planning for FUN

What makes me happy is having PLANS (and not lesson plans either)...  things that are fun or rewarding.  Places to go.  Things to do.  People to meet.  THOSE kind of plans.  Just looking at the calendar and seeing activities penciled in makes me smile.

I am realizing that I don't have to add "See the world" to my bucket list to be happy.  Sitting on a beach in Hawaii sounds wonderful, but if I immerse myself in the moment, it isn't any better than sitting on my deck listening to the owl in our pine tree.  Think of the money I'll save!  There is so much of life to be enjoyed right here in my own backyard, so to speak.  

The thing that makes me happiest is doing things with those I love, whether we're trying something new or revisiting old traditions.  If I'm honest, any time I'm actively engaged in something other than sitting on my butt, I'm pretty happy.

Can you believe I am 52 years old, and until last week, I had never had a pedicure?  That was one of my new life experiences. 

I had never had Indian food until my college roommates and I met in Denver last weekend, and I really liked it.  How I regret making decisions about Indian cuisine based on comments others had made to me, "Indian food is too spicy" or "It's too hot."  I don't think I'll ever be a guest on Bizarre Foods, but count on me to at least taste something unfamiliar.  (I've eaten Rocky Mountain Oysters, so you know I'm good for the occasional international meal.)

I recently had my third acupuncture treatment. Let me tell you:  I am so impressed.  My shoulder feels like it belongs to a thirty year old who hasn't wrecked it falling down stairs, crashing in a three car pileup on the interstate, and tumbling down the ski slopes, not a 52 year old who has done all of those things.  I can't believe that the incessant dull ache is gone.  That was the first day I hadn't had to ice my back.  Who knew?  I'm glad I was brave enough to try it. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained" is turning out to be very true!

Last weekend, I took my son and niece to see Stomp, a percussion performing group from England. Stomp has been on my radar for several years, so when I heard they were in the area, I jumped at the chance to get tickets.  The kids loved it.  I had a hard time sitting still during the performance because the rhythms were captivating.  My niece even commented on Facebook that she was "mind-blown."

Bridger and I rode the train down to Salt Lake City to meet my niece for our evening at Stomp. We missed our transfer to the light rail system, and I will admit I went into panic mode temporarily. This was my first time being the grownup in charge of transportation, and I had seriously blown it.  Bridger was the voice of reason and calm.  As it turns out, we were only 15 minutes late, and my worst fears about Tatiana were laid to rest when we found out a friend of hers was on HER light rail car, and waited with her until we arrived.  I learned so much by stepping out of my comfort zone.

Last night I tried a book study group.  I wasn't able to attend the first two meetings, but swallowed my pride and showed up tonight. I am so glad I went.  Besides knowing two of the women in the group, I now have two new friends in our town.  

One of my most enjoyable activities is following up with the phrase, "Let's do lunch."  I have always seen that as an empty invitation that, more often than not, evaporates into nothing.  I have taken my friendships seriously and followed through lately.  The results have been delightful. Meeting a Facebook friend for the first time when she flew into Utah.  An early morning visit to an old neighbor's house.  Lunch at Chipotle with one of the girls from my husband's high school days. Inviting ladies over to the house for lunch.  Dropping in on another retired colleague after taking Bridge to school.  I'm not going to wait for "one day" any more.  One day is here.  One day is today. I don't want to waste it!

What sounds fun to you?  The possibilities are endless, and don't have to cost a cent.   Attend a social event in your town.  Check on a friend or relative in a nursing home. Visit a friend you haven't seen for awhile.  Send a thank you letter to express your gratitude to one of your role models.  Find an old girlfriend on Facebook. (Unless you're a man, and then I think you better stick to finding old buddies.  Seriously.)  Play with the grandkids.  Meet a friend for coffee to catch up. Plant some mums in your flower bed for fall. Take your camera on a photo safari, and let your eyes wander until you find a subject worth shooting.

Be open to new experiences.  Revisit old favorites.  Look at your calendar.  Pick one of the next seven dates and make a plan to do something you've been wanting to do.  Have fun with it!

*Let Go of Worry

Living in this moment, living in the now, is one of life's greatest challenges.  To be fully present is to savor this moment for what it is:  the gift of life.  It requires setting worries aside and putting sadness behind you, for worry belongs to the future and sadness belongs to the past.

Worries are things unknown, unexperienced; imagined fates we envision to be much worse than they ever will be.  When terrible things come to pass, and they will, they deserve our full attention.  Somehow being in the trenches of our darkest hour is much more manageable than we ever dream it could be.  Our imagination makes our demons more vicious, our futures much darker, our concerns so much worse.

Sadness occurs when we mourn our past.  Things have changed that we wish hadn't. When I am overcome with dread or anxiety, I find that my thoughts have drifted from the present moment to a time in the future, of which I know nothing.  When sadness overtakes me, I find that once again, I am not living in the now, but am thinking about a moment before this one, that caused me sorrow.

Inhale.  Slowly.  Exhale.  More slowly.  That's it.  Remind yourself that at this particular time you are safe.  You are okay.  You are managing. You dwell in possibility, but you do not fear.  Fear is useless.  Even when everything around you screams chaos, when you focus on your breathing, you realize that the only thing over which you actually have any control is your reaction to the chaos.  As long as you are breathing, and focusing on your breath, all is well.  Find a mantra that calms you.  "Serenity" is my chosen mantra because it soothes me to say it.  It is all I hope to find when I am facing difficulties in life.

One of my friends made the plaque pictured above for me.  "Live in this moment."  It reminds me every day, to focus on what matters.  People matter.  Charity matters.  Family matters.  This moment matters, and what I do with it will determine how I feel about how I've lived my life.  Each life is simply a series of all of the moments that comprise it.

In this moment, I live in gratitude knowing my children are safe and happy.  They may be experiencing trials of their own, but they are dealing with them.  I am grateful for the relative good health of my parents.  I know that I am safe, and that I am okay.  Living a life of awareness and appreciation for each moment as it comes is my goal.  It will always be a challenge, but when I focus on what is truly important, I always find myself content and peaceful.  Serenity is mine for the asking, if I simply live in this moment, not in the past, which can't be changed, and not in the future, which I cannot control.  Right here, right now, is exactly where I need to be.

Wherever You Are, Be There...An Open Letter to the Mamas

First day of school for three of us...another day of work at UDOT for Dylan.

Dear Working Mama,

If you have never felt exhausted, confused, or hopeless, may God continue to bless you. If like most of us who have mothered little ones, you have longed for adult conversation, or having an uninterrupted phone conversation, or an uncluttered home, we can commiserate together. Whether you are working outside of your home, or working within the four walls of your house, no one will debate that you ARE a working mother. The two words go together. Those of us who have been there know the battle that takes place in your head every day. You wish there were two of you.  You work so hard, and you want to be the best mother you can be.

This letter originally was written to the young teachers at our school who have young children at home. I believe there is something here for all of us as mothers, no matter the particulars of our circumstances.  

First of all, know that you are not alone. Many before you have attempted, and many after you will attempt, to do the seemingly impossible. Balancing your life at work, and your life at home may seem to be too much at times. Take a deep breath. You can do this.

I would like to share my secret for surviving this busy time of your life. There was a little mantra that helped me endure the craziest time of my life. I had a 9 year old, a 7 year old, and a little one on the way. I was just trying to survive teaching first graders all day long, and attend classes for my master's degree at night and on the weekends, and somehow meet the needs of my small family. I said this over and over to myself during that time: WHEREVER YOU ARE, BE THERE. 

Made by Justine Childs, Vintage Hearts
Now in Eau Claire, Wisconsin

A friend of mine made this stitched quote for me. I kept it in my kitchen where I would see it frequently. During times when my mind was fretting about school at home, it helped me focus. When I was at school, and my mind would worry about things undone at home, that quote would come back to me, and I would return to the present moment.  

It helps, it really does. How else can you be a good mom, good wife, and a good teacher? It won't do at all to fret about school while you're rocking that precious baby, or wishing your children wouldn't take so long to get to sleep so you can spend some precious adult time with your husband, or worrying about your own kids while you're in front of a classroom full of students. 

"Wherever you are, BE there."

When your littles are tucked in bed, totally be the wife. When you go to work, totally be the teacher. Immerse yourself in that classroom, trusting your carefully chosen daycare provider, and your children's teachers to take care of your own children. When you are at home, totally be the mom. Don't even THINK about checking papers or making phone calls to your students' parents. Lock your school door at the end of the day and be done with it. Go home, be the mama, and love those little babies like only you can. 

You are an amazing woman, and probably don't need to hear my little sermon...but I promise, saying WHEREVER YOU ARE, BE THERE, and living in the moment was my only lifeline to sanity some days. It won't be easy, and some days will be harder than others, but you are strong. You can do this.

From a Mama Who's Been There

The stitched piece is right behind me on the shelf.  "Wherever you are, be there."  Living in the now
allows us to focus our positive energy in whatever situation we find ourselves.  

Tracking Progress...You Got an App for That?

Can technology give us too much of a good thing? When it comes to apps for fitness and nutrition, I think we can become obsessive about all of the data, and lose sight of some of the more important things, especially our quality of life. 

A few years ago, I was tracking my eating with the Lose It! app, and my walking/hiking with Runkeeper. My experience may not reflect that of others, but I think it's worth mentioning. I really believe sometimes we let technology control us, instead of controlling the technology to suit us. 

July 2013

For the last year, I have played around with the Lose It! app on my smartphone. With it, I can record all of my eating and my exercise, and yes, my weight.  I tend to obsess when I'm in LOSING mode, and this feeds my obsession. There is a calming effect for me that comes from keeping track of everything. It lets me feel as if I'm in control of something, when perhaps everything else in my life seems to be spiraling out of control. It is pretty effective, and just like almost any diet plan out there, it works when I do.  ;-) The caloric expenditure is determined by my weight and duration of exercise. The geek in me wanted something MORE. Enter: the Runkeeper app.

My favorite things about Runkeeper are that it records my routes, the elevation climbed, minutes per mile, and the option of hearing the "trainer's" voice tell me how fast I have walked/hiked the previous five minutes of the workout. The voice lets me celebrate little victories, or pushes me to work a little harder. It even sends friendly reminders to work out if I haven't done so for a day or two, "You thought today would be a good day to work out." The Lose It app helps me track my food intake, and the Runkeeper app allows me to stay motivated with my workouts.

Lately, I haven't used either one. I found that I was losing sight of the BIG PICTURE by getting bogged down in the details. The proverbial problem of not being able to see the forest for the trees was becoming an issue for me. 

Rather than living my life, enjoying my eating, and immersing myself in this beautiful world during my walks, I was focusing on the numbers:  the calories, the minutes, the miles, the pounds. I am practically glued to my phone anyway with Facebook and Pinterest. Adding my eating and workout apps to my social networking and hobbies was consuming me, electronically speaking.

I realized that when I was walking my little Boston Terrier, I would fret if his pit stops were taking too long. "Hurry UP, Marley!" I would hiss. I was trying to shave my time down to a fifteen minute mile, and we didn't have time for him to water every single piece of foliage in the canyon.

When I was with a walking partner, if I realized I wasn't going to make my goal of hiking less than a 20 minute mile, I would start walking faster and then double-back to where they were, and then take off down the road again, to make up for "lost time." 

When I realized I was allowing my apps to control me, and that I was actually not as much in control as I liked to believe, I decided to give them a rest. Who wants to hike with some psycho more concerned about an electronic monitor than the people and pets who are out for some fun and yes, a little exercise, in the fresh air?

Currently, I am taking a Zen approach to my life. Mindfulness will be a lifelong goal for me, I believe. I am trying to pay attention to how I'm feeling and weighing my options before eating. I'm reading labels more these days, and trying to stay away from heavily processed foods. There is so much produce available this time of year, and I'm trying to take advantage of the fresh fruits and veggies. More salads, more fruit, more juice.  Less Fritos, less ice cream, less soda.

Today, I don't feel frantic about my weight and the numbers that have defined me all of my life.  Do you want to know how comfortable I am about where I've been and where I am? I am going to post my weight and size right here for all to see. "It is what it is." The numbers don't change who I am.  I am slowly coming to terms with that.

Here are the numbers, if you're into that sort of thing, and heaven knows, I have been most of my life. I WAS 224 pounds and a size 18 back in 2000.  By 2003, I was down to 147 and a size 4. People were asking if I were okay. They seemed to question my health when I got down to that size. My face was slightly gaunt and my hip bones were noticeably there.  Have no fear; my body wouldn't allow me to stay there longer than a week, and I slowly regained about 15 healthy pounds and held my own in size 6 -8 clothes for several years. After getting remarried, my weight careened to a scary 195. I lived in fear of living in that cumbersome body with the aches and pains again.  

It took some time, but this summer, I'm down to 171, and a size 8. Can you believe I told you that?  Yeah, I can own it and admit it. When those size 8s start feeling good, I will be thrilled. I'm still working on my muffin top and some excess baggage, physically and emotionally. It's going to take some more walking and hiking, and some better food choices for that to happen. By paying attention to what my body NEEDS, and taking care of myself, emotionally and physically, I know I will be able to get to a healthy place.  Mindfulness is the goal for me to embrace.

My writing is going to be my "app of choice" for now. I need to be in touch with my feelings and my thoughts. I refuse to obsess about crunching the numbers for now. Life is always in a state of flux, and for now, I'm going to go with the flow.  

If this approach sounds all New Age-y, maybe it is.  I need to take care of me, and I am realizing I am so much more than a number on the scale or a size on the tag of a pair of jeans. I am the sum of my experiences, wrapped in the love and support of friends and family who seem to love me in spite of my perceived imperfections. I will be forever grateful to have people in my life who see past the exterior of my skin, and value the soul who resides within this shell. Love and acceptance of self is something that has to come from within me; there's just simply not an app for that. And I'm okay with that.