The Battle Ensues

When I say I'm battling depression, I don't mean it's beating me down; I mean I am fighting it with every resource I have. 

Talk therapy has helped me rediscover my voice, and my passion. I found a counselor who feels like a wise confidant, and a dear friend. She helps me question my habits, and the way I have always done things. She encourages me to take care of myself, and to be honest about my feelings. 

Each morning I make sure I use my light therapy box. Even though spring was officially beginning the week Amazon delivered my light box, I knew that the forecasted rainy days would take a toll on me, and I'm so glad to have my artificial sunshine on the days when the Illinois sky is covered in rain clouds. 

You may wonder if I'm medicated. I am. I take my meds for depression and anxiety. (Yeah, I tried experimenting with tapering off of them. After two sleepless nights, I realized they really are helping me.) Melatonin helps me sleep well beyond three in the morning, and often I wake after Chuck has left for work these days. (WHAT?!? I know. I tell you; I really am enjoying not feeling anxiety  in the middle of the night that I need to get up, and start the coffee maker, and get my day going.) 

When my physical therapist recommended I join the gym to continue my knee rehabilitation, I jumped at the chance. I've missed working out, and I'm finding the time spent there makes my knee hurt less, and my body feel stronger. Being in the water reminds me of happy childhood memories at the pool and beach, and the aquatics classes make the time pass quickly. 

The CALM app has been a great resource that I use just about every single day. I have utilized the masters classes on mindful eating, gratitude, and breaking bad habits and overcoming addictions (don't be too worried; my addiction is food (bingeing in response to emotions). I enjoy the daily meditations, and the bedtime stories. (You've never heard a bedtime story until you've heard Matthew McConaughey's soft southern drawl lull you to sleep.) The nature sounds, and ambient music are helpful in relieving my anxiety. 

Being intentional with social media is something I'm attempting to do. The first thing I did was delete my photography app, Guru Shots. I was spending 3-4 hours a day with my photos, and viewing other photographers' work. While I was seeing positive results in my photography, I decided I needed to better utilize my time. 

Deleting the Facebook app for a week was an eye-opener. My screen time (measured by an app on my iPhone) went down by 40%. I'm experimenting with managing our business pages on social media. I re-installed it, and suspended receiving notifications, and put it on a back page on my screen. I deleted the app again today. It's hard for me to find a happy balance. I tend to be an "all or none" kind of person. I'll keep working at this.

With my phone becoming less of a priority, I have more time available to work out at the pool, take exercise classes, and walk the dogs. I'm reading more, and listening to podcasts while I do housework, and organize things. 

Stressful days and emotional moments still happen, but I'm finding new ways to cope. With these blue sky days, I've been known to open the sun roof of my car, and blast country music while I'm driving. At home, I'll turn up the music, and dance my heart out, after an emotional afternoon with my mother-in-law at her assisted living center. I listen to meditations on the Calm app, and lie down with Bristol by my side. 

And sometimes, I still eat a little more than I should, or indulge myself with a chocolate bar, but then I pick up where I left off, and try to make better choices later.

My confidence grows, believing there will be more good days than bad; more successes than failures. I will win this war; one small battle and triumph at a time.