Just STOP It!

Last year, I was hoping to lose about 30 pounds. You remember how I was all gung-ho about my miracle mornings, and my workouts? Yeah, well, here we are a little more than a year later, and I only have FORTY-FIVE pounds to go. Let that sink in.

Sad, isn't it? What the heck happened, you may be wondering?

Life. Life happened. I've had insomnia all my life, but it got worse. I was dragging through each day. I didn't have the energy to make the bed, or cook healthy meals, let alone tackle monumental goals that require persistence and stamina. 

This week I will fly to Utah to see these amazing people and puppies.

Living 1400 miles away from my kids is hard on my heart. I live for their texts, phone calls, and video chats, and seeing them every couple of months. I just miss their dropping by on a Friday night, you know? 

My mother-in-law's dementia is getting progressively worse, and she and I were spending several afternoons a week together. There were days I cried in the parking lot of the assisted living center. Many days I ate in the car on the way home, emotionally spent. I would crawl into bed, and sleep until Chuck got home from work.

Talking about how I really feel is not something that comes naturally for me. It's so uncomfortable. Basically, I am a woman who desires PERPETUAL PLEASURE. No drama for me, please. 

Basically, if you had asked me how I was, I would have had one of two answers. I was either fine, or I was tired. Fine meant well enough; not sick; barely managing to keep my head above water, but not drowning. Tired meant everything else: sad, irritable, upset, depressed, hungry, anxious, lonely, homesick, and/or angry. 

Tired got me off the hook. I didn't have to stick around and analyze how I was feeling; I could lose myself in a carton of ice cream, go take a nap, and avoid dealing with my emotions a little longer. 

Fast forward to last month. When I described my go-to method of dealing with uncomfortable feelings to my counselor, her eyes went wide. (To be honest, Susan  had told me up front that eating disorders are not her specialty, but she would be happy to help me work on setting boundaries, and dealing with emotional issues. She promised to help me find healthy ways to handle anxiety and depression.) 

So here we were, getting down to the nitty-gritty of my issues, and she was rather surprised to hear me say that whenever I have to deal with anything uncomfortable, I eat until I'm numb. I eat and eat and eat. It soothes me, and gives me pleasurable sensations until I finally forget whatever it was that was bothering me. Perpetual pleasure. Yup. That had been my mantra. 

"If I'm sad, I eat. If I'm nervous, I eat. If I'm lonely, I eat. If I'm upset, I eat. If I am hurt, or angry, or embarrassed, I eat."

"Denise, it sounds to me like bingeing is a bad habit with you. You just need to STOP IT!" 

For a moment, I think I just stared at her with my mouth wide open. And then we both laughed, and laughed. 

Mary Engelbreit and Susan have things in common. 

It couldn't be that easy, could it? 

Well, it's been three weeks since she said that to me, and I have to admit, I am doing so much better. There is a calmness that is so welcome in my life. The numbers on the scales are going the other way, which is nice, but there is something so much more important. I'm learning to trust myself again.

Admittedly, I've been reading and listening to everything I can about mindfulness and intuitive eating. It's serendipitous how answers come to us when we begin searching for them. (I'll be happy to share resources with you, if you're interested.)

Chuck has been so loving and supportive. My kids and I have been talking about talking, and realizing it's hard work, but necessary. I wasn't the best example for them when they were little, and learning how life works. I've apologized, and they've reassured me they'll be okay. I know if we all learn how to talk about the important things, we will be more than okay; we'll be happier and healthier.

You want to know the best thing that has come about since I've started going to counseling? I'm having tough conversations, and living to tell about them. I'm finally beating down the imposter syndrome that lied to me, and told me no one wanted to hear what I had to say any more. Sitting down at my computer and writing feels so good this morning. I've missed my blog, and interacting with you.

"JUST STOP IT" is just what I needed to hear that day. I share this, in case maybe you needed to hear it, too. Or maybe for you, you just need to start something. Whatever you're going through, I hope you know you're not alone. 

It's easy to think we're the only one who knows what it's like to feel helpless, and that we're the only one who turns to our bad habits when life gets hard. It's not easy, but we can learn and we can grow. Show that habit who's the boss. Just stop it.