The Battle Ensues

When I say I'm battling depression, I don't mean it's beating me down; I mean I am fighting it with every resource I have. 

Talk therapy has helped me rediscover my voice, and my passion. I found a counselor who feels like a wise confidant, and a dear friend. She helps me question my habits, and the way I have always done things. She encourages me to take care of myself, and to be honest about my feelings. 

Each morning I make sure I use my light therapy box. Even though spring was officially beginning the week Amazon delivered my light box, I knew that the forecasted rainy days would take a toll on me, and I'm so glad to have my artificial sunshine on the days when the Illinois sky is covered in rain clouds. 

You may wonder if I'm medicated. I am. I take my meds for depression and anxiety. (Yeah, I tried experimenting with tapering off of them. After two sleepless nights, I realized they really are helping me.) Melatonin helps me sleep well beyond three in the morning, and often I wake after Chuck has left for work these days. (WHAT?!? I know. I tell you; I really am enjoying not feeling anxiety  in the middle of the night that I need to get up, and start the coffee maker, and get my day going.) 

When my physical therapist recommended I join the gym to continue my knee rehabilitation, I jumped at the chance. I've missed working out, and I'm finding the time spent there makes my knee hurt less, and my body feel stronger. Being in the water reminds me of happy childhood memories at the pool and beach, and the aquatics classes make the time pass quickly. 

The CALM app has been a great resource that I use just about every single day. I have utilized the masters classes on mindful eating, gratitude, and breaking bad habits and overcoming addictions (don't be too worried; my addiction is food (bingeing in response to emotions). I enjoy the daily meditations, and the bedtime stories. (You've never heard a bedtime story until you've heard Matthew McConaughey's soft southern drawl lull you to sleep.) The nature sounds, and ambient music are helpful in relieving my anxiety. 

Being intentional with social media is something I'm attempting to do. The first thing I did was delete my photography app, Guru Shots. I was spending 3-4 hours a day with my photos, and viewing other photographers' work. While I was seeing positive results in my photography, I decided I needed to better utilize my time. 

Deleting the Facebook app for a week was an eye-opener. My screen time (measured by an app on my iPhone) went down by 40%. I'm experimenting with managing our business pages on social media. I re-installed it, and suspended receiving notifications, and put it on a back page on my screen. I deleted the app again today. It's hard for me to find a happy balance. I tend to be an "all or none" kind of person. I'll keep working at this.

With my phone becoming less of a priority, I have more time available to work out at the pool, take exercise classes, and walk the dogs. I'm reading more, and listening to podcasts while I do housework, and organize things. 

Stressful days and emotional moments still happen, but I'm finding new ways to cope. With these blue sky days, I've been known to open the sun roof of my car, and blast country music while I'm driving. At home, I'll turn up the music, and dance my heart out, after an emotional afternoon with my mother-in-law at her assisted living center. I listen to meditations on the Calm app, and lie down with Bristol by my side. 

And sometimes, I still eat a little more than I should, or indulge myself with a chocolate bar, but then I pick up where I left off, and try to make better choices later.

My confidence grows, believing there will be more good days than bad; more successes than failures. I will win this war; one small battle and triumph at a time. 

Just STOP It!

Last year, I was hoping to lose about 30 pounds. You remember how I was all gung-ho about my miracle mornings, and my workouts? Yeah, well, here we are a little more than a year later, and I only have FORTY-FIVE pounds to go. Let that sink in.

Sad, isn't it? What the heck happened, you may be wondering?

Life. Life happened. I've had insomnia all my life, but it got worse. I was dragging through each day. I didn't have the energy to make the bed, or cook healthy meals, let alone tackle monumental goals that require persistence and stamina. 

This week I will fly to Utah to see these amazing people and puppies.

Living 1400 miles away from my kids is hard on my heart. I live for their texts, phone calls, and video chats, and seeing them every couple of months. I just miss their dropping by on a Friday night, you know? 

My mother-in-law's dementia is getting progressively worse, and she and I were spending several afternoons a week together. There were days I cried in the parking lot of the assisted living center. Many days I ate in the car on the way home, emotionally spent. I would crawl into bed, and sleep until Chuck got home from work.

Talking about how I really feel is not something that comes naturally for me. It's so uncomfortable. Basically, I am a woman who desires PERPETUAL PLEASURE. No drama for me, please. 

Basically, if you had asked me how I was, I would have had one of two answers. I was either fine, or I was tired. Fine meant well enough; not sick; barely managing to keep my head above water, but not drowning. Tired meant everything else: sad, irritable, upset, depressed, hungry, anxious, lonely, homesick, and/or angry. 

Tired got me off the hook. I didn't have to stick around and analyze how I was feeling; I could lose myself in a carton of ice cream, go take a nap, and avoid dealing with my emotions a little longer. 

Fast forward to last month. When I described my go-to method of dealing with uncomfortable feelings to my counselor, her eyes went wide. (To be honest, Susan  had told me up front that eating disorders are not her specialty, but she would be happy to help me work on setting boundaries, and dealing with emotional issues. She promised to help me find healthy ways to handle anxiety and depression.) 

So here we were, getting down to the nitty-gritty of my issues, and she was rather surprised to hear me say that whenever I have to deal with anything uncomfortable, I eat until I'm numb. I eat and eat and eat. It soothes me, and gives me pleasurable sensations until I finally forget whatever it was that was bothering me. Perpetual pleasure. Yup. That had been my mantra. 

"If I'm sad, I eat. If I'm nervous, I eat. If I'm lonely, I eat. If I'm upset, I eat. If I am hurt, or angry, or embarrassed, I eat."

"Denise, it sounds to me like bingeing is a bad habit with you. You just need to STOP IT!" 

For a moment, I think I just stared at her with my mouth wide open. And then we both laughed, and laughed. 

Mary Engelbreit and Susan have things in common. 

It couldn't be that easy, could it? 

Well, it's been three weeks since she said that to me, and I have to admit, I am doing so much better. There is a calmness that is so welcome in my life. The numbers on the scales are going the other way, which is nice, but there is something so much more important. I'm learning to trust myself again.

Admittedly, I've been reading and listening to everything I can about mindfulness and intuitive eating. It's serendipitous how answers come to us when we begin searching for them. (I'll be happy to share resources with you, if you're interested.)

Chuck has been so loving and supportive. My kids and I have been talking about talking, and realizing it's hard work, but necessary. I wasn't the best example for them when they were little, and learning how life works. I've apologized, and they've reassured me they'll be okay. I know if we all learn how to talk about the important things, we will be more than okay; we'll be happier and healthier.

You want to know the best thing that has come about since I've started going to counseling? I'm having tough conversations, and living to tell about them. I'm finally beating down the imposter syndrome that lied to me, and told me no one wanted to hear what I had to say any more. Sitting down at my computer and writing feels so good this morning. I've missed my blog, and interacting with you.

"JUST STOP IT" is just what I needed to hear that day. I share this, in case maybe you needed to hear it, too. Or maybe for you, you just need to start something. Whatever you're going through, I hope you know you're not alone. 

It's easy to think we're the only one who knows what it's like to feel helpless, and that we're the only one who turns to our bad habits when life gets hard. It's not easy, but we can learn and we can grow. Show that habit who's the boss. Just stop it.