Tell Me Something Good

Some of you know I've been a little sad lately. Sweet memories make my throat tighten, and my eyes sting. I struggle to put into words how I feel. Even with medication, sleep is elusive, and I just want to stay home, and snuggle puppies all day. Comfort foods sing their siren call, and my workouts become more and more sporadic. 

Seasonal Affective Disorder? I don't have an official diagnosis, so my apologies to those of you who do, but winter is just a tough, tough time emotionally for me. It doesn't help that I live 1,400 miles east of my kids, my mom, two of my siblings, and so many wonderful friends. And it doesn't help that I live 744 west of my other mom, the other six of my siblings, and my childhood friends. 

Sigh. What's a girl to do? I've done a lot. Moped, cried, read, talked, ate, walked. Some days I hunker down, and some days I push myself out the door. I've been struggling, y'all. Poor Chuck. Poor Susan. They're trying to do the work of a whole heaping lot of other people in my life who are just too far away. 

Christmas 2016
Photo Credit: Chuck Bennorth

I wanted to be able to tell you something good today, and I finally can. I booked a flight to see my family in Utah. THAT is my biggest something good. Thanks to a very understanding husband, and friends who help with our dogs, and to my kids for gathering, so I can see the kids all together.

You want to know some other things that are good? Today is my beautiful daughter-in-law's birthday. 

Happy Birthday, Sweet Girl.

And another thing? We have snow in the forecast for the weekend. Ya-hoo. I love me some snow. I hope there is enough to go sledding, and that I can take macro shots of snowflakes, and that Chuck and I get to go for a walk in the snow. 

Today is January 31, 2018, the day of the Super Blue Blood Moon, and since I woke up at 2:30, I figured I would take advantage of the photo op, and take some pictures. Finally, around 5:15, the cloud cover thinned out enough for me to go outside to play with my camera. Any day involving photography is a pretty good day.

So many good things, now that I'm getting out of my rut. 

But wait! There's more!

Bristol is sleeping at my feet, and Sami is stretched out beside us. I drank some good German coffee this morning, and had pineapple pizza for breakfast. In an attempt to get some nutrition down my gullet, I made a yummy protein shake that tasted like a Dreamsicle. I'm meeting Sharon for a walk. I'm taking my mother-in-law out for lunch. Chuck and I are going to watch The Crown on Netflix tonight.

There's always a lot of good stuff happening, when I take the time to look for it, and take the time to make plans.

So, tell me something good. What have you found, and what are you planning? I hope there is at least one really good thing that makes you smile today.

You Are Enough

The Grouchy Ladybug is a story I read many times to my own children, and to my elementary students. Eric Carle's story is about an irascible ladybug who picks a fight with a polite ladybug, but after determining that the other ladybug is not big enough to fight her, she flies off to find someone who is. Every character she meets is bigger than the one before, and every single time, the cantankerous little insect declares, "Oh, you're not big enough!" and flies away.  

What is it about "ENOUGH" that hits a nerve with me? Depending on how the word's used, I feel calm and satisfied, or I feel threatened and anxious. Words are so powerful. I love the phrase in Sara Bareilles' song, "Brave," that says "words can be a weapon or a drug." It depends on how we say them. It depends on how we hear them.  

Consider the following: "May you always have enough. Enough time; enough food; enough love." *SIGH* Doesn't that feel reassuring? 

But whenever I hear that someone doesn't feel like they ARE enough, I feel incredibly sad. "I'm not thin enough, pretty enough, good enough, smart enough." Those comments do not have a calming effect, and have no place in our self-talk.  They make me prickle. Having enough is circumstantial, and may vary moment to moment. Being enough is existential, and should be a constant in our lives. And yet...

Several years ago, I went to counseling. Maybe it was a mid-life crisis; maybe I felt a little crazy, but I definitely needed someone to listen to me, and help me sort my thoughts. 

Each time I walked up the creaking steps of the old bank building on the corner, I would wait my turn in the little makeshift waiting area, sitting near a small book shelf with a radio softly playing the local country station, so I couldn't overhear someone else's session, I suppose. 

When it was my turn, I would enter the therapist's office, and sit on one end of the couch, making note of where the tissues were, and checking the time. I figured if I talked faster, I'd get more accomplished. I just wanted to fix myself soon, so I could feel better, and get rid of the dark cloud hanging over my head.

We would discuss my marriage, my children, my teaching; blah blah blah. Every week, for months, nothing seemed to change. I didn't feel like myself. I was dissatisfied; I was irritable; I had lost my joie de vivre. And every single week, I would be asked the same question. 

"Denise, why don't you think you're a good mother?"  

WHAT? How could she possibly think I thought that? I love my kids. They are my life. How could she think that I thought I wasn't a good mom? I have good kids, so of course, I was a good mother. How dare she? If I were so offended by her question, why did I keep going back? I suppose I thought I deserved to feel ridiculed, I deserved to feel bad. Like a whipped puppy, each week, I would return, seeking reassurance, wondering if I would ever find the answers to the unasked questions in my heart.

Toward the end of each session of her listening to me answer her questions, I could count on her to ask me the same dreaded question: "So, Denise, why don't you think you're a good mother?"  

And at the end of each session, I would defend myself, saying, "I AM a good mother." I would go home, angry, wondering why she kept harping on that. I perhaps wasn't the BEST mother, but I was no Joan Crawford/Mommie Dearest. What working mother doesn't doubt her abilities to juggle work and family? Of course, I had my concerns, but I believed I was a good mother.

One afternoon, after endless weeks of being asked this one question, I finally snapped. I'd had it. I sat up a little taller, and I leaned toward my counselor, and with a voice louder than perhaps that little radio in the waiting area could conceal, I spoke my mind.  

"I am so sick of your asking that same question every single week. Why do you keep doing that? Every time I come here, I can count on you to ask me that question. It's driving me crazy. I go home so mad every time that you ask that, which has been every single time. You must think I'm a terrible mother to keep asking me that. WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING IT?"

Slowly, she readjusted herself in her chair, and with an earnest look in her eyes, she leaned forward, and said softly, "Denise, I believe you are a wonderful mother. You truly are a good mother. I just don't think you BELIEVE that. Do you? Do YOU believe that you are a good mother?"  

I couldn't believe it. Did she seriously just ask me that again? In my frustration, I started to cry. "I AM a good mother. I have wonderful children. I KNOW I am a good mother."  A switch flipped just then. My tears were falling, unchecked. "I'm just not good ENOUGH."

Her eyes crinkled as her mouth formed a small smile. She handed me some tissues, and she patted my arm. "Now we're getting somewhere." 

It took a few minutes for me to stop sobbing. It was as if a heavy weight were lifted off of my shoulders. 

When I could speak, I told her, "If I were good enough, my children would always be happy. If I were good enough, life wouldn't be so hard for my kids. If I were good enough, my children wouldn't give in to temptations, and they would never get in trouble. If I were good enough, my children would never doubt themselves, or how much I love them. I can never be good enough." I had finally confessed my sins, and released the pain I had been carrying with me all of that dark, dark time.

As we talked, I came to understand although I allowed my children to make their own decisions, I wasn't really letting them own those choices, and the consequences that naturally followed. I was taking on too much. I needed to let them decide for themselves, and be there for them when they made mistakes. I didn't expect them to be perfect; why was I holding myself to such a high standard? It really was never about me. I had so much to learn about control, and how little I actually have.  

It has been years since than painful day. I am still learning. I understand better that I have no control over others, but I can control how I react to situations. I have come to realize that not only am I a good mother and a good person, I am good enough. My breathing slows whenever I say that. It is so comforting to tell myself that, and to finally believe it.  

Maybe you don't believe you are enough. You are; I promise. Say it with me. "I am good enough." Say it again. "I am good enough." 

We are good enough, just as we are, without changing a thing. That isn't to say we don't have goals and dreams and hopes for better things ahead. 

For now, dwell in this moment, and know that everything is going to be all right. There is goodness in this moment for you to find. You are safe. You are okay. You are good enough. Sometimes, just knowing that you are enough is enough.  

Encouraging Words for Wednesday

Things are going better in the sleep department. I slept in until two. And that's better, you might be wondering. It's all relative, isn't it? I fell asleep at 7:30 last night, so tired, and I managed to sleep until 2:00. Then after Chuck left for work, I slept from six to eight. That is EIGHT AND A HALF HOURS, y'all. Woo-hoo!

While I was on the couch in the early morning darkness, I was reading motivational quotes to help strengthen my resolve to be persistent. As you might imagine, insomnia interferes with persistence. 

Monday, I didn't work out at all. Tuesday, all I managed to do was a 15 minute yoga session, but that was better than the nothing of the day before. I just wanted to do a little better today than yesterday. I had gotten more sleep, and it was uninterrupted, so I needed to take advantage of feeling perkier this morning.

A funny thing happened while I was reading the quotes. I found myself lacing up my shoes, and pulling out my workout equipment. I turned on the TV, and found my workout for the day. 

Oh, lands. It was a sixty minute video. I'd only been doing 20-30 minute ones. I just decided to press play, and see what happens. Even if I stopped working out after a half hour, that would be an improvement over yesterday. 

Baby steps. Baby steps.

But guess what? I kept going. I made it. I worked out for 60 minutes; a whole hour. This girl, who usually snuggles with her velvet hippo until Chuck wakes up, got off the couch, and got it done!

Are you looking for encouragement for your day? Maybe these quotes will help you, like they did me. I'm so proud of myself, and that's a pretty good feeling. My 2018 got off to a rocky start, thanks to sleepless nights, and a less than positive attitude. 

Here it is, more than halfway into January, and I'm finally finding some resolve. Go, me. 

And go, you! We can do hard things. I hope you have a wonderful day, and that you do something today that makes you proud. 

What Would Make Today Perfect for You?

Snow is something I wait for all winter. Even if it is snowing, I am wondering how long it will snow, and when it will snow again. I just can't get enough of the white stuff.

Sorry. I probably make you crazy with talk like that. I can't help it. 

When I woke up to snow early yesterday morning, I was thrilled. While Chuck slept in, I enjoyed a pot of Dulce de Leche coffee, and I got some reading done. 

After breakfast, Chuck shoveled our driveway, and invited Sami outside with him. We were so impressed. Even without a leash, she stayed right by Chuck, and had fun romping in the snow with him. The dogs loved playing in the backyard, and then settled in for their "long winter's nap" on the couches.

While I was editing some of my photos of the dogs, Chuck asked me a question we ask each other fairly regularly. 

"What would make today perfect for you?"

We probably all have different ideas of what constitutes a perfect day. Some of us want to wake up early to enjoy the sunrise; some want to sleep in. Some of us want to whip up something special in the kitchen; some want a break from cooking, and want to eat out. Some of us want to check off our to-do lists; some want to do nothing at all. Some of us want to read; some want to watch a movie. Some of us want to enjoy the camaraderie of a crowd; some want to just stay home.

Usually for me, I want to wake up early to have time for reading, music, and reflection, then I want to spend the rest of the day with Chuck at home. We go-go-go so much, and just not having to go anywhere feels like a treat. A fire in the fireplace makes things extra-cozy. I like taking pictures, and I like editing them. I like to read, and eat good food, and snuggle with the puppies. 

But you guys, it SNOWED. Admittedly, I'm a little crazier about snow than Chuck is, but he asked what would make the day perfect for me, so I told him.

"I want to take our cameras out today, and I want to go sledding."

My wish is his command, apparently. He saw to it that I had a perfect day on our snow day.

This is why my cheeks hurt after shooting; I smile so hard behind that camera.

Some of the young moms in our neighborhood had told us they would be taking their children out to play in the snow. Chuck and I love having such adorable subjects for our photography hobby. Spending time with those sweet little kids and their mamas always makes me happier. Chuck teases saying I'm the paparazzi for the five and under crowd. We had so much fun watching the kids have fun in the snow.

While the light was still decent, Chuck and I took our cameras on a little photo safari around Saint Charles. It may be mid-January, but there are still plenty of Christmas decorations still up. That suits me just fine. I don't know when I'll get around to taking down my own tree. I need the emotional boost that comes from the glow of the tree.

We walked around downtown, and visited one of the forest preserves. There is something so restorative about walking outside in the snow, especially when the flakes are still falling.

A friend of mine gave us a standing invitation to go sledding at her house. I'd bought two new sleds to replace the one Chuck and I shattered a couple weeks ago. I was thrilled when yesterday she texted to remind me that conditions were favorable for sledding, and we should come over. 

Photo Credit: Chuck Bennorth

Sledding has become my substitute for downhill skiing these days. It makes me feel like a kid, and that's always a good thing. I had the snow hill all to myself. Donna and Chuck weren't feeling like sledding yesterday, so I went solo, but the two of them were good sports, and cheered me on. 

Photo Credit: Chuck Bennorth

Our snow day was everything I hoped for, and more. We were able to take lots of pictures, and I got to try out my new sled. Between texts, phone calls, and Snapchats, I heard from most of our kids. We ate Rosati's pizza, and there was even time for puppy snuggles. 

Yesterday seemed to be all about me. In a few days, I will have to turn the tables, and make sure Chuck has a perfect day, too. (Be thinking, Sweetheart; what would your perfect day include?)

And what about you? When was the last time you had a day that felt perfect, or nearly so? I hope you will give it some thought, and will look forward to having a wonderful day that makes you feel happy and content soon. 

#tellmesomethinggood

Yesterday while I was having a meltdown about not geting enough sleep for the last six weeks, I was scrolling through Facebook when a friend's post caught my eye. She had listed off several wonderful things that had happened to her that morning; little things that made her smile. She closed her post with this hashtag: #tellmesomethinggood.

That little hashtag stopped me in my tracks. I had been in a downward spiral of anxiety and negativity. I now understand how sleep deprivation is a method of torture; it steals our hope. It messes with our perspective and our attitude. 

Insomnia had left me feeling vulnerable; my emotional eating was making me feel like I was out of control; the melting snow had turned my back yard into a muddy mess which meant the dogs had turned the floors into an indoor pig pen. 

My friend's post was a game changer for my morning. I knew I had to find something GOOD.

Yesterday I was reminded throughout the day how many people care about me. My husband was so supportive, checking on me, and asking how he could help. Some of our kids who were aware of my predicament offered words of encouragement. 

Friends reached out with love and concern. Bristol snuggled onto my lap, as much as a big canine can, anyway, and Sami offered the top of her head for petting. 

And not only did we have some good news; we had received some of the best news from the night before. 

We found out our youngest had proposed to his girlfriend. We were getting another daughter; a really wonderful daughter-in-law would be joining our family this spring. 

So much good stuff that had been hard to see, at first. 

What a difference a good night's sleep can make. I'm starting out today by telling something good first thing. I was able to sleep from 8:30 until 4:30. EIGHT HOURS? Now, that's something real good.

And sorry; not sorry. Here, for your listening pleasure is Chaka Khan, singing "Tell Me Something Good." 

Your turn. #tellmesomethinggood. I can't wait to hear what you have to say. 

Feel Free to Skip This One (BATTLING INSOMNIA)

Warning: If you're looking for some inspiration, or humor, or lighthearted reading, this isn't it. Move on. Try another blog today. 

Today I'm attempting to be honest with what is going on in my struggle with persistence. You guys, this insomnia is kicking my butt. I have had maybe three good nights' sleep in the last month, and that's just not enough to keep me feeling balanced. 

It is hard to be persistent with my health goals when I feel like crap. I feel so guilty for making excuses when I turn to food for comfort. The drill sergeant inside of my head thinks I just need to be harder on myself. I need to tighten up, focus, and push harder. I need to stop being a crybaby, and grow up, and learn to deal with life without relying on old bad habits. 

But what I want is for that dang drill sergeant to move out of my headspace to make room for a sweet grandma who will envelope me in loving arms, whisper words of comfort, and rock me to sleep. I feel like such a failure for the several times I have turned to food for comfort because I couldn't deal with the exhaustion, and the feelings that come with it. A grandma would love me through this, and tell me to not be so hard on myself. She'd even offer me a piece of chocolate, and then tell me not to give up. She would remind me that once I rest up, things will seem better. I just need to be patient.  

Before my doctor changed my medications, at least it felt normal for me to wake up at three or so. Now that we're tinkering with dosages and prescriptions, I feel like I'm going to be stark-raving mad because I am having trouble sleeping past midnight. Last night, it was 10:15 when I looked at the clock. TEN FIFTEEN, y'all. My brain woke me up, and decided two hours was plenty of sleep, and it decided we should get up, and get going. 

When I can't sleep, I like to get the dogs out of their crates and sit on the couch with them. Sami curls up on her end of the couch, I take the other end, and Bristol crawls up into my lap, as much as he can. Those two fall asleep quickly, and I am comforted just knowing they are there. 

Once my tummy realized my brain was up, it thought we should eat. At that first little thought of food, I panicked. I thought of my PERSISTENCE goal. I asked God to help me do better. It wasn't exactly a heartfelt prayer; more like a crazy one-word cry for help, and then there was a log jam of battling thoughts in my brain. I'd had a long day away from home. My meal planning had not been adequate, and I'd ended up eating more comfort foods than I'd intended. I'd already not done very well on nourishing myself. Then I started feeling sorry for myself sitting there on the couch in the middle of the night because I knew my resolve was weakening. I was weakening. I started making excuses for why I deserved to eat when I feel this tired.

I kept thinking of all the other things I could do besides eat at that hour, but old habits are dying hard. 

Maybe it was my spirit that was starving, really. I've always gotten those signals mixed; always. But what did I do? I ate. Do I have to tell you what I ate? Some sick part of me thinks if I own up to it, maybe I will be less likely to binge next time. 

That being said, I found a cinnamon roll in the freezer, and thawed it in the microwave. Then I ate an English muffin. And a protein bar. To be honest, I ate TWO protein bars. 

Chuck just sent me a text asking what would help make our upcoming three-day weekend feel more special for me. What a sweetheart. It made me cry. I told him I would think about it.

How do you tell the man who wants to make all your dreams come true that all you really want is to sleep through the night, and to know you're going to be okay? It seems so ridiculous, but a lack of sleep makes me ridiculous. He would do anything he could to make me happy, but he can't make me sleep. He must be so frustrated to have to deal with my insomnia, too.

I. JUST. WANT. TO. SLEEP. ALL. NIGHT. LONG. Not take a nap. Not fall asleep sitting on the couch. I want to go to bed at a decent hour, and stay ASLEEP until morning. Hell, I'd even settle for waking up at three AM. I miss getting five or six straight hours of rest. I want to sleep all night, and not wake up thinking I need to eat to make the tired go away. 

I'm sorry for anyone who came here hoping to find encouragement today. Maybe you can take heart in knowing that no matter what you're going through, you're not alone. We're not alone. I know that. Today just seems harder because a lack of sleep is catching up with me. Tomorrow will be better. It always is.