Slaying the Dragon

Slaying the dragon that plagues my corner of the kingdom is an ongoing thread in the tapestry of my life. I often wonder if I will ever reach a point in my journey when I will be able to look back at a particular moment in time, and say, that day is when the dragons lost their power; that is when I finally triumphed. From that day forward, I would no longer see myself as a damsel in distress, but the queen of my kingdom.

Not much of my art survived from college, but this piece is still around. What a coincidence.

My dragon, for those of you who don't know me well, is binge eating whenever I am stressed. According to my fitness app, I'm on day 52 of my healthier eating and exercise plan. They say it only takes 21 days to build a habit. Apparently, for me, it takes longer than 51 days to annihilate a bad one. Sigh.

When I woke up yesterday, I felt sick. My tummy hurt, my head ached, and I felt exhausted. I was feeling a little nervous about that because typically, I respond to tummy upsets with carbs; dry toast, potatoes, rice. I sipped on my soup, hoping the comforting food would make me feel better, and help me head off a carb fest. I still didn't feel that great a couple hours later, so I had a piece of toast. Then another. And that's all it took. I had given my demon an invitation, and a place to stay. 

I will spare you the details, but let's just say I ate too much, and even though most of it was pretty healthy, by the time Chuck asked if he could pick up dinner on the way home, I eagerly, with just a hint of guilt, told him I was would like a Portillo's Chicago-style jumbo hotdog. My eating was totally off anyway; why the heck not? I even entertained the thought of Portillo's chocolate cake, and then realized the cinnamon rolls I was making for Chuck's office party would taste even better, so I set my beady little eyes on that prize, and when they came out of the oven, I ate one. Okay, more than one. When I went to bed, my dragon was well-fed, and nowhere near slain.

Now it's today, and in the aftermath, I don't feel so great about myself. I let myself down. I feel worn out, and the day just started. It is time to pick through the debris of yesterday, and see what I've learned. 

First of all, can we all agree that when we are trying to leave a bad habit behind, we're probably going to have relapses? A relapse isn't pretty, and it isn't welcome, but when it happens, we need to acknowledge that it happened, and move forward from there. 

While emotionally I have regrets about my choices, I have to admit that one day of bingeing does not eliminate all of the physical gains I've made. My clothes still fit today that fit yesterday, and while I knew better than to step on a scale this morning, the only thing that really happened is I set myself back a week or two in accomplishing some of my goals. Old me would have woken up this morning, and started out the day the way I ended last night; eating things I really shouldn't. New me knew it was time to re-evaluate, and take care of myself. 

For me, that meant catching up on lost sleep last night. I listened to a meditation with encouragement for binge eaters as I drifted back to sleep.  I re-started the day with some inspirational reading while I drank a cup of coffee. The music I listened to made me feel better. I processed some of my thoughts through writing. Chuck is my ever-present "listening ear," and I let him know yesterday had not gone well for me, and told him why I thought that was. I made myself a protein shake after I worked out.

Hah! Choosing that workout was a funny moment. I thought it was called "TOTAL BODY CARE," and I thought, perfect, that's just what I want today. Color me surprised when we did tons of ab work because what I had actually signed on for was Total Body CORE. Oh, well, I needed that, too!

This afternoon, I went to the doctor, and asked for help. It was nice to be listened to, and to hear there are other medications I can try that don't have the side effect of insomnia. I left the doctor's office feeling heard, and hopeful.

Friends, maybe your dragon is different than mine. Maybe you've never entertained the thought of polishing off a half gallon of ice cream or a bag of Oreos all by yourself on a particularly rough day. Maybe that's just me. 

Maybe your dragon is anxiety. Or drinking. Or drugs. Or anger. Or any number of things we as humans try to overcome. 

By sharing my own struggle, maybe you will realize you are not alone. Sometimes we need to get help. Sometimes we need to admit we are not equipped to deal with our issues on our own. I'm not saying we need a knight in shining armor to rescue us, but sometimes we may need our family and other villagers to listen to us, and support us. Sometimes we just have to start over, and remember we don't have to give up just because we succumbed in a moment of weakness. For me, caving to the cravings has been an uphill battle for a very long time. I can't expect to slay this dragon in just a few weeks. 

Give us a little more time; those dragons won't live forever. Here's to running to the finish line of this year, and getting ready for a fresh start on the new year. I'm not ready to give up on myself; please don't give up on you. Let's slay those dragons. We damsels have to stick together.