Saturday, January 18, 2014

No More Waiting

Nothing makes me jump lines at the grocery store faster than hearing, "There's no waiting on aisle..."  I hate to wait.

I don't like sitting at traffic lights, in doctor's offices, and certainly not in the dentist's reception area.  When it's time to go, it's time to go.  Let's not be late.  I hate to wait for water to boil, custard to cool, and cookies to bake.

Waiting has never been my strong suit.  I'm a woman of action, even if it's not in my best interest. I'd rather DO something, anything, than sit still while I'm waiting.

I even hate that quote about waiting that's been floating around the internet for the last couple of years..."Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's learning to dance in the rain."  I agree with the sentiment, I just don't know that life is about learning to dance in the rain, and who does that anyway?

As a teenager, whenever we were going anywhere, it took FOREVER to get all ten of us in the van.  I was always ready and waiting, and going crazy while everyone else seemed to move painstakingly slow.  I passed the time in our unheated living room, playing Blowing in the Wind by Peter, Paul and Mary on our old, upright piano, entirely too fast, and totally ignoring any time signature.  I played it over and over, willing everyone to just get in the van already.

This little sign "Happily ever after starts here" appealed to me because essentially, I think it's saying, "Be happy now. Be happy here.  No waiting required."  And that sounds wonderful.

When I'm sick, I don't want to wait to get better.  When I'm sad, I don't want to wait to feel happy.  When I'm hungry, I don't want to have to wait to eat.  When my life is in upheaval, I don't want to wait for things to get back to normal.

My kids have been visiting, all of them, and I have been in a state of euphoria.  We have laughed, we have talked, we have played games, and we've eaten yummy food.  I've taken so many pictures, trying to capture the love and laughter because all too soon, we have to get back to our realities, which for the kids means work or school, and for me means being alone all day.
Here's the rub: although I hate waiting, I don't mind waiting for the weekend to be over.  It can take its sweet time. "Backward, oh, backward, turn time in your flight..."  Suddenly, time moves too quickly.  In almost no time at all, our family time is ending too soon.

It will come as no surprise for you then that I have been trying to get through the process of grieving faster.  Faster than what, I am not sure.  I just want to be done with crying, and feeling sad.  Today, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

We'd had an unusual breakfast of Mexican Lasagna, and the kids were getting ready to go to their dad's.  We were still laughing.  We were still talking.  We were still eating yummy food.  And then when it was time to say goodbye, I stood on the porch, and waved and waved, until all of them were out of sight.

And I went inside and cried.  I missed Daddy.  I missed the kids.  I was dreading all I had to do once everyone was back to their normal routines, back at their own houses.

It's Saturday night. Tomorrow Bridger and I will take Sierra to the airport so she can fly back to Jason in Denver.  And rather than dread tomorrow, I need to WAIT, and just enjoy the night, and the morning.  I need to relish our last chances to visit, to say the words that need to be said, and to listen with love.

If happily ever after starts now, I will just have to deal with grieving when the moments hit me, and enjoy every other moment for what it is:  a gift.  I don't have to WAIT to be happy.  I don't have to WAIT for things to get better.  There are always little blessings hidden in our trials and our sadnesses.  I'm lucky that we're all so close that parting makes us sad.

No more waiting to be happy. The time to be happy is now.  It's time to smile, and enjoy the last of this most precious weekend.


  1. Really enjoyed your post. You captured the difficulty of grieving and how it intrudes on our lives. And I could hear how you try to hang on to the moments worth keeping just a little longer. Enjoyed it.

    1. Thank you, Anne. Blogging, and responses from kind people like you, reminds me many have walked this journey before me. It give me hope.


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