In Honor of Mary Oliver: The Journey

This blog post was first published in August of 2013.

The Journey

A Poem by Mary Oliver

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice–
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do–
determined to save
the only life you could save.

–Mary Oliver

This poem shook me alive as I read it. I felt someone had peered into my very soul, and had written my feelings down for me. There were some who were hurt by my decision to end my 22 year marriage a few years ago, but I have never known the depth of inner peace and happiness I have had in my heart since that time. This much I know: the very night I moved out of the big farmhouse where I had raised my children, and into my own little house, I was blessed with a confirmation I had made the right choice for me. Insomnia has been my demon through most of my adult life. How would I be able to sleep all alone in that unfamiliar place? Without so much as a sleeping pill, that night I fell into a deep, peaceful sleep. I didn't awake until daylight was peeking through the windows. The bulging knots of tension in my shoulders were gone; the upset stomach and pounding headache had disappeared; I had slept through that whole night. The peace that entered that little home were signs to me that for all the things I may or may not have done well, I had done this one thing right. Heaven had blessed me with the knowledge that I had made the best decision for me at that time. Last night, I was haunted in my dreams the uncomfortable ghosts of my past; feeling the harsh judgement of others; trying to appear happy when I was not; experiencing the loneliness all over again. Confusion and conflicting emotions were the overriding themes in my dream that are still with me as I try to wake up, and live in this moment. Living in the now continues to challenge me. I feel irritable and somewhat angry that I would allow something that isn't even real to overshadow the reality, which today is better than that dream. My head is pounding. It is so hard to convince my brain that not only was all of that in the past and it is OVER, it was JUST A DREAM.

My journey continues. Of course, there are challenges. I am just grateful for the lessons I've learned along the way. I am finding my voice. I am learning that in order to truly love and be of service to others, I have to love and take care of myself first. That is a tricky thing for most women. We put everyone else first, to the detriment of ourselves at times. Dwelling in THIS moment, I am grateful for many things. My children bless me by living their lives independently, and making this world a better place with their values, strength, and laughter. My friends continue to buoy me up when I falter, and need support. My cup runneth over. 
I am grateful for another sunrise that will help me erase the troubling thoughts from the night. Routines will begin anew, and before I know it, that old dream will be a fading memory. The prayer in my heart will be that I will have learned enough from my past that I won't repeat the same mistakes, and that I will control my thoughts to the point that I will fully immerse myself in the peace that this moment in time offers me. Mmmm...it's there, just waiting for me to come back into it.