What is wrong with me? There is a dark cloud hanging over me, and I can't quite outrun it. Outrun it? What am I saying? I can barely walk. Almost four weeks ago my right knee gave out on me, and I won't see the knee specialist until later this week.
Am I just experiencing the annual post-holiday letdown? Is it that I have been fighting bronchitis and/or a sinus infection for about six weeks? Am I missing all of our kids and the grandchildren? Is it the lack of sleep I've been having because my knee hurts so much? Could it be these grey rainy days that have washed away the little bit of snow we had?
Chuck reminded me yesterday just how wonderful our holidays were. It's true. They were wonderful. We saw ALL of our kids and grandkids within the last three weeks. We made some great memories. I KNOW I don't have much to complain about; I am just experiencing a bit of a funk this week, and I would really like to just get past it.
At this moment, I'm trying to think of three things for which I'm grateful, my silver linings, so to speak. I have my standard three; my default response I've memorized by heart: my husband, our kids, our dogs. That was easy! But today, right now, while my bum knee feels like it is on fire, and lethargy has me watching the minutes whiz by on the clock, and the drizzly rain of the last two days has turned our backyard into a mud derby pit for the dogs, I'm having a harder time getting beyond my pat answers.
Do I tell you that I am thankful that things aren't any worse than they are? That's the truth.
My Silver Linings Today
1. I'm grateful I only have one knee that isn't functioning, and that my left knee is pain-free.
2. I'm glad I have this afternoon to myself without any responsibilities, and can rest without too much guilt.
3. And I'm thankful that it's raining enough that the dogs only stay out long enough to do their business, and then they hurry back in, which doesn't give their paws enough time to collect much in the way of mud.
What do you do when that dark cloud settles over your head?
Yesterday, I slept in, and then I went back to bed. I could feel that familiar yuckiness settling in around me when I woke up in my darkened bedroom, and I finally pushed myself out of bed to try to do some damage control. If there were something I could do to get feeling better, I wanted to try it.
After I took a warm bath, I found a healthy snack. Just peeling a little tangerine sent a revitalizing citrus-y scent into the kitchen, and I smiled to myself. I have always loved the smell of oranges.
One of my gifts at Christmas was a vial of essential oils called Smiles for Miles, an uplifting blend. It smells like lemon and orange orchards, and fresh air. I added a few drops of the oil into my diffuser, and hoped the fragrance would lift my mood.
Next I sought out Chuck. I wrapped my arms around his waist under his flannel jacket, and laid my head on chest. "I just need one of your hugs," I told him.
"There is no shortage of hugs here," he reminded me.
Our house was pretty quiet while Chuck was working on his photos, so I asked Alexa to play a favorite album of mine, True North by Jim Green. That is my go-to music when I need a lift or want to relax.
I tried to write, but I couldn't. When my emotions are on the surface, or feel too fresh, it's hard for me to express myself. See, it's easier for me to write about yesterday than today...
Browsing through self-care lists on Pinterest, I felt that most of them smacked of self-indulgence: buy this; buy that (our Christmas bill from VISA will arrive any day), braid your hair (my hair?), get a massage or manicure (again, we've spent plenty this month). The "treat yo'self" motto is fun to say, and I used to enjoy retail therapy myself, but that bill that shows up after the new wears off takes most of the fun out of it for me. I'd done some of the other things already: take a bath, eat something healthy...
One suggestion was to cook or bake something. Eating something that wasn't a holiday cookie or candy might be a good idea for this old gal. So I picked a recipe I'd never made before: Swedish Meatballs. They were a little labor-intensive, but a very good comfort food. My husband said he looked forward to eating the leftovers, and the ones I put in the freezer for later.
Another self-care suggestion that I liked was to revisit favorite memories. Chuck and I had just celebrated our fourth anniversary, and I asked him to find our Smash book I made of our first full year together. We sat on the sofa, looking at the pictures, and reading the letters and cards we had sent each other. We're pretty lucky, really.
Today I spent a few hours with Elise, and that helped take my mind off my worries for the morning. Listening to her chatter about preschool and Sunday school made me feel happier.
I've cuddled with our dogs. And now I'm writing. And I'm reaching out to you.
What do you do when you are feeling blue? I'm hoping you have some tried and true things that make a difference that hopefully don't cost a cent. Or maybe you'd like to tell us your silver linings. Please share. I'm all ears.
