Seeking Silver Linings

What is wrong with me? There is a dark cloud hanging over me, and I can't quite outrun it. Outrun it? What am I saying? I can barely walk. Almost four weeks ago my right knee gave out on me, and I won't see the knee specialist until later this week.

Am I just experiencing the annual post-holiday letdown? Is it that I have been fighting bronchitis and/or a sinus infection for about six weeks? Am I missing all of our kids and the grandchildren? Is it the lack of sleep I've been having because my knee hurts so much? Could it be these grey rainy days that have washed away the little bit of snow we had?

Chuck reminded me yesterday just how wonderful our holidays were. It's true. They were wonderful. We saw ALL of our kids and grandkids within the last three weeks. We made some great memories. I KNOW I don't have much to complain about; I am just experiencing a bit of a funk this week, and I would really like to just get past it. 

At this moment, I'm trying to think of three things for which I'm grateful, my silver linings, so to speak. I have my standard three; my default response I've memorized by heart: my husband, our kids, our dogs. That was easy! But today, right now, while my bum knee feels like it is on fire, and lethargy has me watching the minutes whiz by on the clock, and the drizzly rain of the last two days has turned our backyard into a mud derby pit for the dogs, I'm having a harder time getting beyond my pat answers. 

Do I tell you that I am thankful that things aren't any worse than they are? That's the truth. 

My Silver Linings Today

1. I'm grateful I only have one knee that isn't functioning, and that my left knee is pain-free. 

2. I'm glad I have this afternoon to myself without any responsibilities, and can rest without too much guilt. 

3. And I'm thankful that it's raining enough that the dogs only stay out long enough to do their business, and then they hurry back in, which doesn't give their paws enough time to collect much in the way of mud. 

What do you do when that dark cloud settles over your head? 

Yesterday, I slept in, and then I went back to bed. I could feel that familiar yuckiness settling in around me when I woke up in my darkened bedroom, and I finally pushed myself out of bed to try to do some damage control. If there were something I could do to get feeling better, I wanted to try it.

After I took a warm bath, I found a healthy snack. Just peeling a little tangerine sent a revitalizing citrus-y scent into the kitchen, and I smiled to myself. I have always loved the smell of oranges. 

One of my gifts at Christmas was a vial of essential oils called Smiles for Miles, an uplifting blend. It smells like lemon and orange orchards, and fresh air. I added a few drops of the oil into my diffuser, and hoped the fragrance would lift my mood. 

Next I sought out Chuck. I wrapped my arms around his waist under his flannel jacket, and laid my head on chest. "I just need one of your hugs," I told him. 

"There is no shortage of hugs here," he reminded me. 

Our house was pretty quiet while Chuck was working on his photos, so I asked Alexa to play a favorite album of mine, True North by Jim Green. That is my go-to music when I need a lift or want to relax. 

I tried to write, but I couldn't. When my emotions are on the surface, or feel too fresh, it's hard for me to express myself. See, it's easier for me to write about yesterday than today...

Browsing through self-care lists on Pinterest, I felt that most of them smacked of self-indulgence: buy this; buy that (our Christmas bill from VISA will arrive any day), braid your hair (my hair?), get a massage or manicure (again, we've spent plenty this month). The "treat yo'self" motto is fun to say, and I used to enjoy retail therapy myself, but that bill that shows up after the new wears off takes most of the fun out of it for me. I'd done some of the other things already: take a bath, eat something healthy...

One suggestion was to cook or bake something. Eating something that wasn't a holiday cookie or candy might be a good idea for this old gal. So I picked a recipe I'd never made before: Swedish Meatballs. They were a little labor-intensive, but a very good comfort food. My husband said he looked forward to eating the leftovers, and the ones I put in the freezer for later. 

Another self-care suggestion that I liked was to revisit favorite memories. Chuck and I had just celebrated our fourth anniversary, and I asked him to find our Smash book I made of our first full year together. We sat on the sofa, looking at the pictures, and reading the letters and cards we had sent each other. We're pretty lucky, really.

Today I spent a few hours with Elise, and that helped take my mind off my worries for the morning. Listening to her chatter about preschool and Sunday school made me feel happier. 

I've cuddled with our dogs. And now I'm writing. And I'm reaching out to you.

What do you do when you are feeling blue? I'm hoping you have some tried and true things that make a difference that hopefully don't cost a cent. Or maybe you'd like to tell us your silver linings. Please share. I'm all ears. 

I Love You More: A Game to Play with Your Littles

While driving my neighbor Elise to preschool, I sing ridiculous lyrics to familiar tunes that seem to entertain my young charge. Old childhood melodies come to me, like "Here We Go 'Round the Mulberry Bush" and "The Hokey Pokey," and I customize the lyrics to include Elise, and her dog Penzey, and preschool, and anything else that comes to mind. It makes her laugh, and I hear her clear voice from the carseat behind me as soon as I finish a stanza, "AGAIN." 

Elise has been extra affectionate with her inner circle of family, and I count myself lucky to be numbered as one of her grandmas. I am Grandma Nece. "I love you, Grandma Nece," she will tell me. Those words just melt me. I wanted to play a game with her that I used to play with my own children, and I play it with my grandson. 

"I Love You More" is an activity that encourages brainstorming, and creative thinking. Elise is so clever and quick, I knew she would come up with some pretty interesting responses. 

As we were heading to preschool in her family's minivan, Elise said, "I love you!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, I love YOU more than puppies."

She caught on fast. "Well, I love YOU more than ice cream." We went through a quick list of things we liked, but didn't love as much as each other; things like monkeys, dogs, clouds in the sky, and sunshine. We were both having fun all the way to school.

After preschool, we were headed home when Elise piped up:

"I love you more than books." 

"I love you more than broccoli," was my ridiculous comeback.

"I love you more than carrot pie," she said.

"What in the heck is carrot pie? Is it sweet?"

"No," Elise said, "It's crunchy and spicy."

"Well, that sounds disgusting, so you better love me more than carrot pie." She laughed and laughed. 

After we put away her backpack, and I poured her a sippy cup of milk, we went to my house to have a snack, and check on the dogs. Our game resumed as soon as I put her plate in front of her. 

"I love you more than muffins," which she happened to be eating.

"I love you more than cookies with chocolate frosting." 

"I love you more than the sprinkles on cookies with frosting."

"WOW, you must love me a lot. I love you more than crocodiles!"

"I love you more than alligators."

Elise's creativity came shining through when she said,  "I love you more than princess crowns." 

Coming from the little princess herself, that's a whole lot of love. I am one lucky Grandma.

Maybe during the upcoming school vacation, you will have an opportunity to spend some time with your favorite littles. Who couldn't use a little more laughter, and a lot more love in their lives? Everyone wins in the I LOVE YOU MORE game.

A Foggy Winter's Night

After we saw A Christmas Carol at the Albright Community Theatre, Chuck and I walked out into the chill of the night, and were impressed with the heavy fog that gave all of the lights in downtown Batavia a soft glow. Perhaps, like me, you dream of a white Christmas, but the fog does have a certain magical quality of its own. 

Silhouettes of trees offered a dark contrast to the soft illumination of the holiday lights in the distance. 

Headlights and tail lights pierced through the darkness, adding more color and illumination to the holiday scene.

Green wreaths wrapped in old-fashioned colored lights were hung on the lamp posts along the streets of Geneva. 

Colored lights resembling pine cones made me think of Daddy's favorite strands of lights; big, fat bulbs of color strung around our Christmas tree we bought from the Lions' Club lot every year when I was growing up in Virginia. 

Even the traffic lights were shrouded with fog, and I was reminded to stop to enjoy the beauty of this season. It's everywhere, when we take the time to look, even on a foggy, winter's night. 

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! I know. I know. We haven't even had our turkey dinner yet, but as soon as we do, I'm all about pulling out my Christmas boxes, and putting up my tree. If I hadn't been sick this last couple of weeks, I would have done it earlier.

Coffee and Cameras days have been few and far between for Susan and me. She has such a busy teaching schedule this semester. Thank goodness college professors have holiday breaks, and we were able to have a great morning at the Luau coffee shop in Wasco before driving out to Shady Hills Gardens to explore the poinsettias and holiday decor. 

It has been such a long time since I felt well, and had energy to go shoot just for fun. Sometimes Chuck and I have commitments for local theaters or the arts council, and while I enjoy those opportunities, I really like to have time to compose a shot, and think about what I want to capture. 

Today was so good for my soul. Creating takes energy, but it energizes, too. Have you noticed that? Maybe you bake, or knit, or paint, or act, or sing, or anything that involves producing something you enjoy. I hope as the holiday season gets in full swing, you'll be able to find some time to do the things that make you happy. 

Happy Holidays, friends. I know sometimes the logistics and planning can overwhelm us, but when it comes right down to it, the opportunities to be with family and friends is what it's all about. 

Simplify the things you can, and seriously, eliminate the unnecessary. Adopt new traditions that allow everyone, including you, to rest and relax, and just enjoy the special days on your terms. 

However you celebrate the special days in November and December, I hope you take time to enjoy making new memories, as you savor the sweet ones from the past. 

The Fairest Feet of Faire

Moonie the Magnif'cent

During the last couple of weeks, I've been working with my photographs, more than my writing. It has been fun to find common themes in my work, and one that has surfaced quite often is FEET, and more specifically, SHOES. 

Large of Barely Balanced

You might find it odd that I take so many pictures of feet, both bare and dressed, but they say so much about a person. Going barefoot, or choosing a particular pair of shoes is a form of expression. 

Mr. Humphrey of the Dirty Duck

Each summer as I edit my photos from the Bristol Renaissance Faire, there are always a few shots of fashionable footwear featured in my favorite photos. The shoes are as unique as the people who wear them, and tell a lot about the characters. Bristol boots and shoes have a magical quality regular shoes just don't have. For one thing, they're covered in Bristol dust, which is a little like faerie dust, if you ask me. 

Grandmother Cobweb of the Fantastikals

At Bristol, I am fascinated with the shoes and boots the actors wear. Most footwear is made of leather. Many have curled up toes, just like the genie shoes I used to make out of Play Doh in kindergarten. Some have ornate buttons. Others are fanciful with decorations or colors. 

Guild Master Dandy Goodwill

So today, I am sharing some of my favorite footwear photographs from the Ren faire. Don't these pictures make you want to get to know the owners of these feet a little better? Or maybe like me, you long to wear fun shoes like these, too. I think we can agree; these fun foot coverings evoke happy feelings with their whimsical and fanciful touches. 

If you had to choose a favorite, which pair would you vote the fairest feet of the faire? 

Moonie

Grandmother Cobweb

Moonie

Grandmother Cobweb

Facing the Truth

"Do you think you're codependent?" my therapist asked. I winced as I tried to disappear into her big, purple sofa. I'd been called that before, by someone I did not respect, and who did not respect me. Am I codependent? 

The first thing I did when I got home after my counseling session was Google "codependent." I found a check list, of sorts, on Everyday Living, and scanned the signs:

Signs of codependency include:

• Having difficulty making decisions in a relationship
• Having difficulty identifying your feelings
• Having difficulty communicating in a relationship
• Valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself
• Lacking trust in yourself and having poor self-esteem
• Having fears of abandonment or an obsessive need for approval
• Having an unhealthy dependence on relationships, even at your own cost
• Having an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

Whoa. Nothing like reading a list that seems like looking into a mirror. I related to every single item. Don't worry, I won't elaborate on each of the signs, but in an effort to be transparent, I want to tell you a little bit about my struggle, and also, about the baby steps I'm taking to feel better about myself.

Relationships require a lot of work, and many decisions have to be made. You can imagine how challenging it can be for my husband when I can't even decide on a restaurant, when given a choice. When we are going out to eat, I usually defer to Chuck. When my friend Susan and I go out for coffee, I let her order for me; she always chooses such good combinations, and it's one less decision I have to make. 

On a good day, when all is well, and I'm healthy, and I've had enough sleep, people who know me don't even ask how I'm doing. It's obvious. I'm doing GREAT.

But on a less than stellar day, when my mood raises suspicion of something being not quite right, I generally have two responses. "Fine," means "Well enough. I'd rather not elaborate." 

My other response is "I'm tired," which could mean a myriad of things depending on the day: "I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm annoyed. I'm grumpy. I'm disappointed. I'm depressed." "I'm tired" can also mean "I'm exhausted." I would just rather not talk about my feelings.

Rest assured, if you had to ask me how I'm doing, I'm hoping the conversation will turn to something else because the last thing I want to do is analyze how I'm feeling. 

After a couple of counseling sessions, I realized being codependent isn't all bad. I love being a caretaker, and I'm happiest when I'm helping someone else. I'm learning it's totally okay for me to ask for what I want, and I've decided to try speaking up with one of the kindest, safest people I know: my husband. 

Recently, Chuck and I had a wonderful getaway to Door County, Wisconsin, where we photographed the fall colors for two days. The scenery was breathtaking around every turn. As we were driving home, Chuck asked if there were anything that would make my day special.

Gulp. This is where I typically say, "No, I'm good. What about you? Anything you want or need?" 

You may think I am the weirdest duck in the pond, but asking for what I want is really, really hard for me. And I didn't even want something big. I just wanted a decaf coffee, preferably from a locally-owned, non-chain coffee shop. 

But you see, we had just moments before pulled off the interstate to get gas, and when Chuck saw it was a mile down the road, and not by the exit, he pulled back onto the road to find one that was conveniently located. 

As we were looking for another gas station, I mustered up my courage. "I thought of something I would really like."

"What is it? Anything! I want to get if for you."

"Well, it might require driving more than a mile off the interstate."

"That's fine. I don't mind at all, if it's something that would make you happy. What is it?"

"A decaf coffee. But not from Starbucks. And not at a gas station. It might be hard to find. And it's okay if you don't want to..."

"I want to do that for you! Thank you for asking. Just find a coffee shop on your phone, and tell me how to get there."We drove three whole miles off the freeway, and as luck would have it, there was a gas station across the street from the Copper Rock Coffee shop in Green Bay. 

Whew. That wasn't so bad. I was able to sip on a steaming cup of coffee during our trip home, and Chuck seemed legitimately happy to be doing something special for me. 

Why did I even mention all of this? I'm admitting life isn't always easy, and I have my share of baggage. I'm letting you know I'm working on my stuff, just like you are working on yours in your own way, and on your own schedule.

This summer, I worked with my doctor to find a medication that will help me deal with my depression without making me feel like a zombie. Then early this fall, I found a counselor I like. It's not her job to tell me what to do; she simply helps me sort out my thoughts so I know what it is I want to do.

Facing the truth is hard, but getting to know who we are, and understanding our limitations, and being challenged to become our authentic selves is a good thing. It's not always comfortable, and it sure isn't easy, but it is going to be worth it. We're all in this together. Thanks for cheering me on from the sidelines. 

I'm rooting for you, too. 

Blessing of the Hands (Daniel L. Harris)

Blessing of the Hands

Revised by Rev. Daniel L. Harris

Photo Credit: Chuck Bennorth

These are the hands of your best friend, young and strong and full of love for you, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as you promise to love each other today, tomorrow, and forever.

Photo Credit: Chuck Bennorth

These are the hands that will work alongside yours, as together you build your future.

These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, and with the slightest touch, will comfort you like no other.

These are the hands that will hold you when fear or grief fills your mind.

These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes; tears of sorrow, and tears of joy.

These are the hands that will tenderly hold your children.

These are the hands that will help you to hold your family as one.

These are the hands that will give you strength when you need it.

And lastly, these are the hands that even when wrinkled and aged, will still be reaching for yours, still giving you the same unspoken tenderness with just a touch.